About Poker...It's Still Not a Sport.

by BOHChris, The Blog of Hilarity

ESPN may try to present it as such, even going to the lengths of expecting you to pay to watch all the action. Rounders may make you want to believe. But make no mistake...

Poker isn't a sport, you assholes.

The grace and power of LaDainian Tomlinson, the speed and strength of LeBron James, even the lithe skating of Sidney Crosby...those guys are athletes. The UFC fought for credibility, only recently getting on ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and their ilk. Hell, even Joey Chestnut had athletic abdominal convulsions that made him capable of beating Kobayashi. But Poker? Really? Are we really prepared to call a game that’s main component is sitting on your ass and being able to decide whether or not you should push chips six inches away from you an athletic endeavor? I'm not impressed.

Because Poker isn't a sport, you assholes.

I'm all for laziness, really. I'm even a big proponent of regular schmucks becoming athletes, like in the critically-acclaimed documentary BASEketball. But let's not pretend that Johnny Chan, a big Chinese guy, is in the same stratosphere as Yao Ming, basketball's big Chinese guy. I shouldn't have to see this on ESPN. I shouldn't even have to see this on G4. I wouldn't subject myself to Versus, so let's leave them out of the equation. But when one of your biggest names looks like that (Chris Moneymaker. Pictured above, on the left), we have a problem. Phil Mickelson has titties, we all know that. But at least he's like moving around and swinging his arms. All Chris Moneymaker does is put on his stupid Oakleys and go "Duh, I have cards."

Fatties not named Artest shouldn't be able to play your sport. Assholes.

Regardless though, we'll all have to pretend to care each year when the World Series of Poker rolls around. It was cool a couple years ago (not to me, mind you, but to other assholes) and ESPN acts like it's important, so people will buy it. And they'll pine and dream about playing in the WSOP one day. They probably could actually, because anyone can enter the WSOP. Professionally. Yes, enough money or enough lucky draws and you too can be a professional athlete, in the eyes of many. That screams legitimacy.

Or not, asshole. Since Poker isn't a sport.