Actually, Poker Rocks My Cock

by StegaSaurus, My Brain Says Rage

Chris, Chris, Chris,

You poor simple retarded boy.

Nothing shows your intelligence quite like explaining the athletic difference between a poker player and a professional athlete.

Yes, someone who plays a game of strategy is not as physically gifted as someone who plays one based on athleticism. Wow.

But last I checked, and I do check often, no one is calling poker a sport along the lines of football, basketball or baseball. Instead it is simply a game that a large segment of the population plays and makes great television.

I know the chic thing to do on blogs is rip into ESPN, but it seems before getting on their high horse everyone forgets that ESPN is not the purveyor of all things sport, but simply a station sandwiched between TBS and BRAVO on my cable network.

As everyone knows and you seem to forget is that ESPN exists simply to get ratings and make money. A large amount of their programming is not based on things defined as “sports” or people yelling about sports.

No, some things are simply competitions, which does not make them any less exciting or interesting to watch.

I’m miffed at the idea that ESPN sets the sporting agenda. It seems sports fan these days put ESPN on a pedestal of all that is high and mighty only to try to rip them down. I’m not defending ESPN, but if no one watched poker than it would simply go away.

Remember the World Series of Darts? That sucked more dick than Chris, so now it’s gone. End of story.

Just because it's on the network that does not mean it's a sport. That means ESPN can make money off of it. And why not? It's entertaining as hell: rags to riches stories like Chris Moneymaker, likable champions like Joseph Hachem or villains like Phil Hellmuth.

If you don't like it, to quote Dennis Miller, “You see that little thing in your hand. Well, put it back in your pants, pick up the remote and change the fucking channel.”

But please do not tell me you watch everything ESPN puts on because they are the lord of sports. Please, please, please, because if you are, I ask you to do like two other people named Chris and paralyze yourself riding a horse and then hang yourself from a weight set.

I enjoy watching poker on television. I also play online (I’d like to thank PokerStars for the 26-inch LCD television they sent me) and buy the occasional book to better my game. I’d rather watch a poker tournament with good story lines and tense moments than some illiterate football players slamming into each other in another forgettable Monday Night Football game.

And what’s with the love affair with athletes? The grace and power of LaDainlian Tomlinson? Fuck. I’m almost embarrassed for you. I’m getting the douche chills.

I can almost hear you yelling, “the speed and strength of LeBron James!” as you shoot cum into the air onto your own chest and pretend it’s LeBron’s.

The lithe skating of Sidney Crosby? I thought you were talking about what is and what is not a sport?

Holy shit.

If I ever write something about the grace and power of LaDainlian Tomlinson will someone please smother me with a pillow after my father injects me with HGH?