The Best of Epic Carnival Series: Six Pack Sports Report

by DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap

Every Wednesday we thought we'd give you a little taste of what goes on at the home sites of our many fine writers. Amazingly enough, when they're not here entertaining you at Epic Carnival, they all have Web sites of their own in which they figure out the best way to stalk Joe Buck express their opinions and display their deranged senses of humor. This way you can get a small glimpse into why they were chosen to be a part of this conglomerate of crazy.

This week's entry comes to us from Six Pack Sports Report ... enjoy!

A Letter To Cleveland
Here at Six Pack Sports Report my reach extends to the furthest corners of the globe. With such influence comes great responsibility and every once in awhile I must hand the podium over to someone who desperately needs to reach you the huddled masses. Today I was sent an exclusive correspondence from Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn that he wished for me to send along to the city of Cleveland. I gladly complied and I now present to you an SPSR exclusive.

An Open Letter To Cleveland
From Brady Quinn

Dear Cleveland,

Why have you been acting so messed up towards me? It's like I can't even dress up in a vest and dance to the Village People without seeing my picture splashed all over the place. What's the big deal Cleveland - was it the cut off gloves? the leather cap that I bought in a tranny store? Maybe your problem was the inexplicable scarf that I was wearing at the time? I was just having fun at my horsefaced sisters wedding - you don't think Travis Hafner has had one too many cocktails and danced around dressed like Charles Nelson Riley? I don't see him being skewered by the Cleveland media. It's like you're all out to get me.

Then there was the whole Bret Michaels thing. I'll admit that whoever took that picture makes it look like me and Bret are reenacting that scene from American Psycho - you know the one. But it wasn't like that Cleveland. I wasn't brutally raping the star of Video Hits 1's Rock of Love. I was merely showing you, my fans that I had been working out and staying fit. If anyone knows how to stay in shape it's Bret Michaels - the man has had AIDS for like ten years and hasn't changed his appearance one bit (Editor's Note: We cannot confirm that Bret Michaels has AIDS). Oh sure it might look bad - the rookie quarterback hanging out with an aging drug fueled former rock star. But it wasn't like that Cleveland, we weren't even at a party. It's true you can ask anyone. Bret Michaels just swung by my house to play some Guitar Hero on my Playstation. He heard that my controller was decked out with kick ass Poison stickers and he wanted to challenge me to an "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" shred off. Needless to say your future franchise player held his own against Mr. I Didn't Give Pam Anderson Hepatitis.

And what's up with the hate because I charge for my autograph? Do you know who else charges for his autograph? Tom Brady and he doesn't get criticised for doing it - all he gets is Giselle Bunchen juggling his balls with her tongue. I charge for my autograph and do supermodels try to make me their love slave? Of course not, then again I'm not sure I'd even enjoy that but you get where I'm going with this Cleveland. It's not fair. I know that $75 for a signed picture of me might seem excessive, or $225 for signed memorabilia might sound insane. But I'm Brady Quinn. I beat Navy four years in a row as the quarterback for Notre Dame. Don't forget Cleveland that when push came to shove I almost beat USC. You think Matt Leinart gets this type of criticism when he's stuck in a syphilis sandwich between Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan?

Let's not forget that I was supposed to be the #4 pick in the draft. If your team had just taken me when ESPN said they would I wouldn't have to charge for my autograph. But I took a beating when I slid all the way to #22, I have to recoup my losses somehow. I don't like to point fingers Cleveland but this whole ordeal was really your fault. If you had just done what Mel Kiper told you to do none of this would have happened. I guess you'll do a better job of listening the next time.

I don't want to be mean Cleveland but you don't see me pointing out your flaws. Have I once mentioned this city as the Mistake by the Lake? Or referenced the toxic waste runoff that you people call the Cuyahoga River? I mean Cleveland is so miserable that Oil Can Boyd of the Boston Red Sox became so disoriented from being in our city that he once wondered why they built the baseball stadium next to the ocean. But I don't focus on the flaws Cleveland - just like I wish you wouldn't focus on my pseudo homosexual behavior and tendency to be an all around d-bag.

Without me you're looking at a season full of Derrick Anderson and Charlie Frye. Face the facts Cleveland you need me and it's about time you started showing me the appreciation I deserve. So if I want to spend my weeknights hanging out with Journey playing Twister that's what I'm going to do and you won't say a word.

Because I'm Brady Quinn. Quarterback.

Love,
B. Quinn