Could We Leave Vick to the Jock Sniffers?

by Rae Carruth's Trunk, My Brain Says Rage

I am a simple man, when I turn on ESPNews I want to see highlights of last night’s baseball games, that’s all. But this morning, instead seeing the highlights of the Tigers and the Twins, I was treated to a goddamn Michael Vick retrospective. In the corner of the screen, the breaking news box screamed out “Vick speaks with Arthur Blank by Phone!” Wow, an owner is talking with his franchise player who has been indicted on federal felony charges. Stop the goddamn presses. Apparently this is the sports equivalent of Natalie Holloway.

On the actual broadcast, Vick is the top story and for perspective they interview a couple of mouth breathing radio call in guys from Atlanta. One sternly tells us that this is the biggest story in the history of Atlanta, ostensibly since Gone With the Wind was written. He then states that Vick is the greatest player in the history of Atlanta sports, which actually made my forehead spontaneously bleed. He is more important than Hank Aaron? Go fuck a cat.

Over the next year, we’ll be treated to a number of breathless reports, quickly followed by even more breathless blogs on every facet of the Vick story. Oh, and get ready for an intolerable amount of unfunny jokes and lists about Michael Vick. There is going to be a level of hackery that will make the jokes during the Clinton impeachment look like the best of Lenny Bruce. But then again, who am I to judge funny, personally I don't think the idea of banging a recently dead cop's girlfriend is funny, but I am told it is actually qualified as hilarity.

So unless I ever figure out what the hell a “rape post” is and can figure out how to make that a series of rape jokes, this will be my only post on Michael Vick. That goes for MBSR as well. He is an overrated jizzbag and his story means approximately jack and shit. Wow, if he is convicted of a crime, someone else will have to lead that 7-9 team continually down the shitter.

Remember, Michael Vick is the most important person in the history of time. ESPNews and the sports blogging world haft spoken.

Oh, you may ask why there are half naked women and random pictures. I would too, but I think that’s what I’m supposed to do.