Embracing Your Inner Juicer

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

A 10-step guide to self-improvement through steroid use for the big league rookie.

1. Compare Yourself To Others. Scan your new clubhouse and check out the girth of your teammates' pythons. Do you even compare? Didn't think so. It's time to get on the horn with your friendly local 'roids distributer.

2. Learn To Hate Your Appearance. You've spent the last twenty-or-so years of your life being told by your mother that you're perfect just the way you are. That's crap and it's certainly not going to get you 756 career longballs. You can always get bigger, stronger and hairier!

3. Maintain A Negative Attitude. Nothing says confidence like bringing other people down. Put away the sunshine and rainbows from your first major league at-bat and explain thoroughly to each teammate why they suck at baseball.

4. Be confident and self-assured. Backne is a myth. Even if it were a real side effect of steroid use, you can't see your own back anyway, so why do you care? Besides, you know what they say about guys with big heads, right?

5. Nurture Your Inner Demons. It's time to release those angry thoughts society tells you are wrong. All that pent-up frustration from your time in the minors is ready to rumble and there's no better way to get that out than through the injection of Human Growth Hormone.

6. Surround Yourself With Other Juicers. You don't want to share the wealth of steroid knowledge with the Joe Mauers and David Ecksteins of the game. They don't understand your strife, so roid heads need to stick together. Feel free to contact Jason Giambi about who's who if you're not sure.

7. Be Discreet. This one should go without saying. The first place those haters from the commissioner's office check for evidence of "cheating" is in your locker. Find a safe, consistent place to keep your pills, syringes and bottles - preferably deep inside a hole in your backyard. Furthermore, don't let that crotchety bastard Bud Selig strong-arm you into being a quitter.

8. Set Personal Goals. Your career best for homers is 20, which makes you a pussy. Try tripling that number this season by pumping extra HGH into your hind quarters. Be sure to pump some extra iron as well, to fend off the curious.

9. Self-Affirmations Are For Sissies. No one wants to hear you say things like, "I am beautiful and I can accomplish my goals." These things are givens. Why not try pissing yourself off with little quotes such as, "You're not good enough!" and "You need more power!" in the midst of a banned substance-induced fit of rage?

10. The 'How Dare You' Look. The final step is perfecting the finger-wag. Study photos and video of Rafael Palmeiro if you have any doubts as to how to make this work. Develop your own technique and remember to use words like 'never', 'appalling' and 'period'.

Now that you know all the secrets to being a pumped up big league superstar, you're ready to start ingesting steroids. Good luck, rookie! Now get out there and deflate your testicles.