Five Male Athletes I'd Have Sex With

by Lozo, Why Don't We Get Drunk And Blog?

I know. This post is going to be weird. But here's the thing. In order to get something, sometimes you have to give something. And in this case, the thing I have to give is "it" to a dude. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Here's the thing. I was out with this girl. She likes sports. I don't know how we got into it (probably because I'm a pervert) but I asked her to name five female athletes she'd have sex with. You know, because the only thing hotter to me than me and a girl is a girl and a girl. And I think I was going on about how most female athletes are about as attractive as genital warts.

Her answers in no particular order were Sue Bird, Jennie Finch, Maria Sharapova, Amanda Beard (she called her the girl who was on Letterman that time and posed in Playboy) and Serena Williams.

Outside of the last one, I thought they were all solid choices. But then I had the tables turned on me.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Who would you have sex with?"

"Everyone but Serena."

"No, what five guys would you have sex with?"

Uggh. What have I got myself into.

I abstained. But she made me promise to give her five guys or else she wasn't going to give me, well, you know.

So after some serious thought and a Crying Game shower, I came up with five male athletes I would (hypothetically) bang.

5. Amelie Mauresmo
What? Hey, if Serena Williams counts as a girl, then Amelie Mauresmo counts as a guy. Besides, I need to ease my way into this list, and I figure Amelie is a good way to start. She has all the qualities of a male athlete -- huge muscles, strong jawline -- but she has the one thing I look for in a sexual partner. Ladyparts. At least, I think she has ladyparts. Whether they are natural or man-made is the question.

4. David Beckham
He's barely a dude. First off, he plays soccer, which is a girl's game to begin with. Second off, he's got a lot of feminine qualities about him. I figure if I have to go gay for the first time, and it has to be with an actual man and not Amelie Mauresmo, Beckham is a good way to start. Heck, he could have ladyparts. God I feel dirty right now.

3. William "The Refrigerator" Perry
I'm counting retired athletes. And I figure The Fridge has a lot going for him in terms of a sexual partner. For one, he's missing a lot of teeth, so he's probably extremely adept at oral. But then again, this list is about the sex, not the oral. Also, he's got some big tits. But I figure he's so big and fat that I could actually penetrate a fold of flesh that's not the butt, and that wouldn't make me gay. Right? Anyone? Hello?

2. Phil Mickelson
I don't know about you, but I enjoy me a nice pair of big, floppy breasts. Enter Phil. If there's one thing he's got, it's big, floppy breasts. At this point, I'm just looking for any feminine quality I can in these male athletes and focusing on that. You know, because man boobs, yeah, that makes it not gay at all.

1. Alex Rodriguez
A shocker. No, not that kind of shocker. I mean a stunner. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate A-Rod. But think about it. If you're going to have sex with a dude, you might as well make it a dude who knows what he's doing, right? And while I have no proof, just obvious statements like he used to sleep over his place five nights a week, I'm pretty sure Alex was the bottom for Derek Jeter for quite some time. And if it's good enough for the Yankees' captain, my god, it's good enough for me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch Jenna Jameson make out with some girls. Any girls.