House of Mirrors: Derek Jeter or Tom Brady?

by theoriginaljd, Six Pack Sports Report

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like "what came first the chicken or the egg?" or "can you get pregnant through anal?" Luckily for you - the huddled masses - Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe. This week the EC writers take a stab at debating if they could be either of these men for one weekend which would be it: Derek Jeter or Tom Brady?

DEREK JETER:
SportsGirl356 (Strike Zones and End Zones): Derek Jeter. Because then I'd get to have sex with Arod.

BOHChris (Blog of Hilarity): Derek Jeter. I feel like if I had sex with Tom Brady, it'd make me gay, just because he's so metrosexual and kind of gay. But I think with Derek Jeter, he'd make me feel like it was just a couple of guys hanging out, only they happen to be doing things to each other involving penises (penii?). I've got no doubt that's how he convinced Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Minnillo, and countless others. Plus Derek might make me feel just as pretty as those girls. *single tear. (Editor's note: Chris apparently misunderstood the question.)

DCScrap (Our Book of Scrap): I'd rather be Jeter. It wasn't even that hard to decide either. Let's look at the current situations for each guy. Brady is dating a supermodel. Nice to look at, but probably high maintenance. Jeter could get a supermodel if he wanted one. Brady has paparazzi following him around every single moment he is with his woman. Jeter dates hot chicks and it hardly registers on the celeb-news radar. Brady has a beautiful well-known ex-girlfriend with a bun in the oven. That's going to be a problem (and already has been one). Jeter knows how to wrap that rascal. Brady plays football, a job that according to those mushy-headed NFL retirees shortens your life as well as reduces the quality of the lives that they do live. On the other hand, Jeter is a baseball player. He plays for the Yankees and he can pretty much date any piece of strange he wants with hardly a peep out of the media. Why are we even having this discussion?


TOM BRADY:
theoriginaljd (Six Pack Sports Report): Once again I am embarrassed to even have to talk about this like it's even a competition. Remember when Derek Jeter was getting all that crap in New York for "staying out to late?" Well guess what, Tom Brady impregnated one of the hottest women in Hollywood and when she getting ready to give birth you know where he was? Banging Giselle Bunchen (one of the hottest women on the planet) for her birthday. You'd expect him to get hammered in the papers right? Not a word. Tom Brady is bulletproof. He could bang Giselle on top of Bridget while she was breast feeding their child and the people of Boston would smile and nod. You think Derek Jeter is a God - well you've never been to Boston because Tom Brady spits in Derek Jeter's face. If Tom ever decides to drop Giselle there will be a line around Copley Square of girls wanting to spread it for #12. I mean the guy made photo shoots with goats look sexy - tell me that Derek Jeter could do that? If Tom Brady was ever found in a Southie back alley getting a reach around from O'Brien the tranny hooker that would become socially acceptable immediately (we can only hope). So yet again I've had to straighten you all out - because the obvious answer is Tom Brady, hands down.

Eric (Shakedown Sports): This is an easy one. I'd be Tom Brady so I don't have to spend three days thinking about the fact that Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johannson, Jessica Alba, Maria Carey, and Jordanna Brewster all left me because of my inability to satisfy a woman.

Sooze (Babes Love Baseball): If I were seriously going to choose, I'd want to be Tom Brady. My hand would be broken in less than an hour if I were Derek Jeter from bitch-slapping A-Rod and yankin the yankee all day, blah blah gayness and then more gay stuff. Can't I be Brett Favre?