How Dare You Besmirch the Good Name of Gary Sheffield

by T, The Angry T

Gary Sheffield has been accused of using steroids by former BALCO chemist Patrick Arnold. A few years ago, when he was being mistreated by Joe Torre in New York, I might have believed something like this. However, Gary is a Tiger now, and the only foreign substances Jim Leyland allows in his clubhouse are cigarettes…lots and lots of cigarettes. Oh, that isn’t enough evidence for you? Here are the Top 10 Reasons why you should unequivocally believe Gary Sheffield when he tells you he doesn’t take steroids:

10. Gary Sheffield is the nephew of Doc Gooden and even appeared in this picture with Doc. With this kind of pedigree, how could anyone even begin to suspect that he is not clean.

9. Gary is married to Gospel Singer Deleon Richards. Everyone knows Jesus was a staunch opponent of steroids, and everyone also knows Gary lives his life for Christ. In case that name sounds familiar, Richards was a participant in one of R. Kelly’s sex tapes before she was married to Gary. How’s that for living for Christ?

8. Gary’s team finished second in the 1980 Little League World Series. If I could show you one picture that confirms that these allegations are unfounded, it would be this one. No steroid there, he looks like a scrawny little girl.

7. “I'm sure everybody in a family has a person in their family that has a problem, drug related or whatever. He happens to be the one. It's just one of those things where when he hurts, I hurt.” Gary made that statement about his uncle, a drug user. If every family has one, and Gary's uncle is a drug user, I believe the transitive property states that Gary is clean.

6. Gary has played for seven different teams in his major league career. It would be nearly impossible to find a steroid dealer in each of those individual cities.

5. Patrick Arnold is Joe Torre’s non de plume for his weekly New York Times advice column on how to discriminate against blacks. Coincidence? I think not.

4. Gary dislikes Boston Red Sox fans. There is absolutely nothing wrong with people who don’t like Red Sox fans.

3. The child below loves Gary Sheffield. That child is too adorable to love a cheater.

2. Gary’s reasoning for why he doesn’t take steroids, "the bottom line is steroids is something you stick in your butt -- period." Gary is way too heterosexual to put anything near his butt.

1. Gary is taking the heat for another obvious steroid user on his own team, and refuses to name names. Look at that cranium for god’s sake, this guy pisses medicinal grade stanizol.