If I Knew I Was Going to Die Tomorrow

by , Pacman Jonesin'

If I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my ass was going to croak tomorrow, and that I could do anything I wanted Bill Murray-in-Groundhog Day style, here's ten sports-related things I'd do:

• 10. Steal Tim Couch's ex-playmate wife. If Cade McNown pulled off this feat, c'mon, how hard can it actually be? Plus, she's hot. Plus, Tim Couch is a douchebag that deserves having his heart broken for re-breaking the never-quite-mended hearts of Browns fans.

• 9. Do the Lambeau Leap during a Green Bay Packers home game. Show me one sports fanatic who hasn't daydreamed about doing this post-TD celebration, and I'll show you a Vikings fan loser.
  

• 8. Take Serena Williams out on a date. Deep down I've always wondered what it would be like to be with a man.
  

• 7. Reenact the TD celebration T.O. did to the Dallas Cowboys' mid-field star -- during a timeout, wearing the other team's jersey. I can't stand America's team, and would gladly get lit up like a Christmas tree to disgrace Jerry Jones' 'Boys on national TV.

• 6. Try to make out with Suzy Kolber while she's doing a live sideline report. The fear of rejection wouldn't be there because even Broadway Joe struck out. Plus, it might spawn a pretty good sports blog.

• 5. Challenge David Stern to a fight. As a Pacers fan I'll never forgive him and his league for: A.) The Grandmama bullshit four-point play; B.) The Amare/Diawesque Jalen Rose suspension that cost us the '98 ECFs; C.) Suspending the holy hell out of my Pacers after the 2004 brawl at The Palace... I can keep going all day long. If Stern wouldn't fight me, then I'd seek out referee Joey Crawford. He'd be down.

• 4. Toilet paper Al Davis' and Mike Shanahan's cribs. I hate the Denver Broncos and Oakland Raiders, and I straight loathe both that horse-faced so-called genius and that Mr. Burns look-alike. I might even bring a couple of cartons of eggs and a gift-wrapped turd to leave at their front doors.

• 3. Kiss Piss on the Babe. You heard me -- I'd piss on all the enshrinements at Yankee Stadium. This isn't as much about the Babe (who I actually like) as it is the Yanks and Roger Clemens. I hate that guy almost as much as I hate Steinbrenner's team itself.
  

• 2. Go to a strip club with Pacman Jones and Steven Jackson. I've always wanted to know what it was like to kick it with Tupac, and this would be my best shot at finding out.
  

• 1. Get drunk and have sex on Arrowhead Stadium's 50-yard line. I'm a die-hard Kansas City Chiefs fan, what can I say? I wouldn't disgrace the Red, White and Gold by just taking any old hoodrat out there, though, even if I was going to bite the bullet in a matter of hours.
  

What would you do? Tell us in the comments below.