Just Because I'm Gay for David Beckham Doesn't Mean I Like Soccer

by BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity

We at the Blog of Hilarity are comfortable with our sexuality. So I'm okay with saying that. I like David Beckham. Something about him. I don't like soccer. I'm not ready to like it yet, much like I wasn't ready to like John Amaechi's book, the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, and Who's Now. ESPN's assuring me that I will, but I'm just not sure yet.

I mean, I guess David Beckham's hot. You can judge for yourself in the picture on the right. I'm a heterosexual male, I have no doubts. But I do wonder about his mysterious eyes. I often fantasize about what it means to be Posh Spice. This is not to say that I didn't fantasize about being Posh Spice before she hooked up with Becks (an adorable nickname I have for David Beckham that I made up entirely on my own), but definitely more so now. Especially after that W Magazine photo shoot.

Now don't get me wrong, I may find David Beckham entrancing enough to question my sexuality. I may want to be his wife. But that doesn't change the fact that soccer is, fundamentally, teams full of lithe men running around after a ball and falling down a lot in the hopes that one of the men in striped shirts (that they call "referees" in soccer...absurd) will throw them a prettily colored card for their efforts. And then, if I'm lucky, I'll be fortunate enough to see their little ball go through that adorable "goal" device, perhaps hear a Mexican announcer yell "GOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLL" thusly. Awesome. Totally worth my investment of time. And what's with not using hands? If you could use hands, then we'd be on to something. Kind of like Football, the sport that soccer totally aped and stole the idea from.

Is this supposed to make me forget about the thrill-a-minute action of baseball? Is this supposed to make me think twice before buying products endorsed by the San Antonio Spurs' Human Ball of Charisma, Tim Duncan? Or is it just supposed to make me think uncomfortable thoughts while masturbating? Because if it's the third goal, congratulations Adidas, MLS, and ESPN.

So listen David Beckham, please don't take my thoughts personally. I still think you're a total hunk with the rugged good looks of Brad Pitt and soft femininity of Jared Leto. But I don't want to watch you on the athletic field. Not yet, anyways.

XOXO,
BOHChris

PS I hope you enjoy LA, Becks. But stay away from that Kobe gentleman. He gets a bit "rapey"