Lohan Set to Join Bengals with Record Contract After Latest Arrest

by BOHChris, The Blog of Hilarity

CINCINNATI - Following her arrest for driving under the influence and in possession of several grams of cocaine, Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis has offered refuge to troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan on his 53-person NFL roster, signing Lohan to a 7-year, $53 million deal.

"Her ability to blow a 0.12 two weeks out of rehab shows some great potential," said Bengals Director of Football Operations Jim Lippincott. "We're taking a less conventional approach to scouting. After all our success turning high-profile athletes into criminals, we're going to try to turn high-profile criminals into athletes. It makes sense on paper."

Lohan has found herself amidst a sea of drug and alcohol problems in recent months, including a recent stint in a drug rehabilitation facility, leaving many film companies to find her untouchable for projects at this time. The life preserver thrown out by the Bengals comes at a perfect time for Lohan, says her mother Dina.

"The timing is right for Lindsay to make a move to the NFL," mother Dina Lohan said. "I don't know that she could run or jump or throw, or even get shoulderpads over her ample bosoms, but she definitely has the rap sheet for it."

After taking office, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell swore to clean up the negative stigma around the NFL, immediately suspending Adam "Pacman" Jones and Terry "Tank" Johnson. However, in light of more arrests and the indictment of Atlanta Falcons superstar Michael Vick for dog fighting, Goodell has opted to begin looking the other way for indiscretions, including considering allowing the return of Jones to his team's training camp. Given the Commissioner's softened stance, Lippincott believes the path is clear for a star of Lohan's magnitude.

"The Bengals organization has always been about finding the best jailbound talent," reiterated Lippincott. "From Chris Henry to Odell Thurman to countless others, we will find shady characters and make them important parts of our football team. I fully expect Coach Lewis to turn Lindsay into a top-flight Linebacker or Kicker or whatever the hell she'll be playing. But she'll definitely fit right into our corporate culture."