My Love of Sports is Hanging From a Weight Set

by StegoSaurus, My Brain Says Rage

Once upon a time I watched every sport on television from football and baseball to billiards and that Japanese game show with the weird obstacle courses.

But sometime over the past few months someone took my love of sports, tied a cinder block around its neck and dropped it in the San Francisco Bay. Yes, my love of actual sports is deader than Chris Benoit’s wife and children.

That’s not to say I do not follow sports, because I am forever linked to my crappy teams – Pirates, Redskins and Temple basketball – but do not watch much besides them, excluding televised poker, of course.

So what am I doing on a sports blog? Good fucking question Colombo.

Will I be making jokes about washed-up quarterbacks? No, because I do not care about Kurt Warner.

Will I be drooling over pictures of (fill in somewhat pretty actress here)? No, because my girlfriend is hotter, even though she has the sex drive of a nun.

Will I be roasting other posters for their “Brady Quinn likes dick!” posts? No, because once upon a time I was playing my writing partner on MyBrainSaysRage, best friend and dick tickler Rae Carruth’s Trunk in X-Box college football and virtual Brady Quinn scored on a 60-yard fake option, which took part of Trunk’s soul. For that I am ever thankful.

So what will I be doing? Um, very little.

My posts will come slower than Christopher Reeve running the 110-meter hurdles. (Now that Christopher Reeve is dead is there another cripple to use in these jokes? I could not think of one, so I went with the old standby, kind of like when you go to Outback Steakhouse and order the 12-ounce sirloin no matter what else in on the menu.)

Anyway, as you can see I’m here to bring the awful. That and an encyclopedic knowledge of “Saved By The Bell.”

If you like it, read more. If not, as we say at MBSR, go hang yourself from a weight set.