Old Man Mourning Wants You Punks Off His Lawn

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Item: The Miami Heat will have Alonzo Mourning, the Redd Foxx of NBA centers, for one more year.

I don''t know about you people, but this just makes me feel warm all over -- like I've just soiled myself, but without the shame. Because just like with Brett Favre, Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds, my entire existence is wrapped up in whether or not an aging jock who thinks his end-career options need to be discussed out loud and ad nauseasm.

Please, Aging Prima Donna who is no longer all that relevant, grace us with another year of your athletic gifts! We know we're not worthy, but baby, we just can't let the good times end like this!

(Pardon the emotion. I've never really recovered from Losing Flutie.)

To give you an idea of just how long 'Zo has been at this, consider that:

> Other notable players from his draft class included Adam Keefe, Harold Miner and Bob Pettit

> Zo has played playoff basketball in Charlotte, NC

> When 'Zo started, the Phillies were a World Series contender

> During his rookie year, people actually wanted to see Madonna naked

> At the start, Ross Perot was not a punchline (OK, not all the time)

> In his career, especially in the early days, the Knicks were actually good

> The American White Lumbering Center roamed the earth, with magnficient specimens like Chris Dudley, Mark Eaton and Jon Koncak

> Professional baseball was played in Montreal, Pittsburgh and Kansas City

> Blogs like Epic Carnival did not exist (shocking but true)

> Many of you, especially the ones that The Carnies want to see in swimwear, were not alive