The Open Championship: 1st Round Live Blog

by dswinder, Sons of Sam Malone


6:57 AM: Welcome everybody (I know, I know, no one's here yet) I'll be captaining this ship for the remainder of the journey...If you have any questions just raise your hand and leave 'em in the comments section...If at any point you become sea sick do not hesitate to head on over to Sons of Sam Malone for some first round preview, or whatever else it is you might be into...I know you're a kinky little piece of shit...You can't hide...I promise this will only be a three hour tour (that goes for hours on end)...See you whenever something interesting happens...

7:01 Just a note...all of these times are Eastern...Now some quick updates in what's been going on while we've been in wet dream land...Retief Goosen is in first all alone at 4-under par...Tiger finished out his first 9 one behind in a tie for second place...

7:04 It's official, our first action viewing interruption...Come on TNT, I love golfing tradition and all, but there's golf to be watched...

7:06 Oooo, CarNasty...Just an F.Y.I. these updates will get farther and farther apart as the day grows longer...Wow, that sounded a tad poetic...

7:12 Ok...this is a little overkill on the Goose...How about some more Tiger...and just as if my requests were heard from on high, we return to the linebacker...

7:14 Oh Ernie and Bobby...A July tradition...I think they should combine their names and become one super announcer named Ernie Clampett...Now that is a name...There goes CarNasty again...They are throwing that word around WAY too much...Someone's gonna get hurt...Probably Phil...

7:17 NOOOOW they tell us we have a co-leader...Paul McGinley...tied with 'Tief at -4...

7:18 Hmmmm...Southward Ho...So many different ways to take that...Use your imaginations...

7:22 You like our ticker? Be sure to thank DCScrap...Head on over to Our Book of Scrap, and give him your praise...Do it now...But come back here...
7:23 Oh 'Tiefy, that's not how you wanna finish up...Goosen is now only 2-under...

7:26 Ok guys...Now that we all got to collectively hear your orgasm over Tiger's swing, and then hear about how awesome his divots are, I think it's time for a talking break, Ernie Clampett (see above)...

7:33 Well that effin' blows...Tiger dropped a shot to 2-under...One positive of the whole situation...McGinley's not holding a lead anywhere...

7:40 Did you hear that? There is a THONG following Tiger...Or was it throng?

7:42 What the hell did KJ just say? Please any help would be greatly appreciated...

7:45 Damn it Tiger...DAMN IT!

7:54 Just in case you're wondering, I'm not dead...Nothing has happened...Plus, a little piece of me died with Tiger's last bogey, and that last shot didn't help any...Maybe something happy will happen, and I can take you all step-by-step through how to circle jerk with just yourself...It's kinda complicated, but definitely possible...

8:00 By the way, that self-sustained circle jerk involves a 9 iron and some very strong antiseptic...Just warning you...And some cleated Wellington Boots wouldn't hurt either...

8:05 Come on Tigre...Get the putts to fall, or give your wife to me...That's the deal...You can't go back on it now...
8:11 My boy 'Tiefy just finished up at 1-under...

8:13 Did you know that the rough is going to be less penile? Neither did I...Penile and Tongue of rough...This is quickly becoming X-Rated...Maybe that means Elin's gonna film a sex tape sight on scene...Keep your fingers crossed...

8:18 This just in...TNT knows drama...

8:21 Tiger just can't get 'em to fall...Hey guys I gotta make a run to the gas station...I need some tobacco product...I'll be back in about 10...I don't know if I'll post again in 10...But in 10 if something happens worth typing...I'll type...Be back soon...

8:35 I saw the Tiger putt, I just had to get settled in...That's the Tiger I love...Hoohah!

8:41 I'm sitting here with my friend, who also goes to Virginia Tech, and I gotta say, I love being a smart ass, but that's a really nice story...It's almost like it was meant for him to win after the tragedy...

8:50 Ouch! That just slid by...Come on guys...Let's get some comments going...I need some company...

8:55 You can't literally be perfect...Come on guys...Let's get with it...Tiger might be the only man allowed to try and have my babies, but no one is perfect...

8:56 I absolutely effin' hate Vijay Singh...He can suck on my crum...Thanks to old Borat Sagdiyev for that terminology...

8:58 Did they just say N'Sync...God must have spent a little more time on you...Yes, I know it...Is there something wrong with that?

9:04 Vijay leaves it on the lip...Give me a sec...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You piece of shit....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

9:10 I just got the urge to reshape the science of aerospace forever...Not sure why...

9:13 Oh yeah, my boy Tiger finished with a 2-under 69...He's 4 strokes back, but Paul McGinley doesn't worry me...

9:19 Awwww, Tiger misses his family...It still pisses me off because I want his wife...It's not fair...Pick one Tiger...Pick one...Golf, Hot Wife and kid, Money...Pick ONE!

9:22 Come one guys...I need some self-esteem...Let's get the comments going...I feel all alone...I'm so vulnerable...Comfort me...Please...

9:25 How dare you make Gary Player out to be a liar...Paul Azinger, you bastard...It's Gary Player for crying out loud...He's a legend, and if in his senility, he wants to believe that 10 of the top players are on the Barry Bonds workout plan, then he can think that 10 of the top players on the Barry Bonds workout plan...So shove it...

9:29 Come on people...You're at work...What else do you have to do? Freaking comment!

9:34 Just a heads up...At 10 (in just under 30 minutes) I'm taking an hour break...I'll be back at 11 for another hour then take another break for lunch...I'll come back after lunch, but I gotta be honest...I need some comments...

9:39 I told you McGinley didn't worry me...He's back to 4-over...Tiger is only 2 back...and his wife is still way too hot...WAAAY too hot...In fact that's post for another day...

9:46 Quote "He's got that gamblers MAN-tality." Hmmm...

9:54 How about another picture...This one is of the kid from Virginia Tech...Oo oooo Drew Weaver...I believe you can get me through the nigh-ight...


9:58 Ok, time for a break...I'll be in about an hour...Feel free to comment...I will keep an eye on those...

11:00 Aaaaaaaaand we're back...Refreshed and ready for the final segment of the day...I have to get a little navel gazing in...check out Sons of Sam Malone...

11:03 How about John Daly...He must have gotten a knifeless night of sleep...He's playing well...You gotta love anyone sponsored by 84 Lumber...

11:06 Poor Paul McGinley...Everyone's "nipping" at those heels...

11:08 You think that Paris Hilton is angry that Ernie Els has dibs on "The Big Easy" as a nickname...I mean she's done things...She deserves that name...It's not easy being a complete cock whore...

11:12 Uh oh I think Mickelson just hurt himself again...Oh wait...Nevermind...this isn't a practice round...

11:13 Whoever the hell Achi Sato is just got his 3rd birdie in a row...Too bad no one knows who he is...I blame the Asian media for hovering in Boston all season...They should have been following this guy around...

11:15 Incredible touch may be the reason that John Daly has had so much success in majors, but the exact opposite is the case for his inability to keep a wife...that and steak knives...

11:16 Quick quote for you...I forgot to mention this one in yesterday's golf movie characters post..."Damn you people. Go back to your shanties." Shooter McGavin....Shooter!

11:19 John Daly looks like he wants to make 14 dollars the hard way...and then subsequently blow it in penny slots...

11:21 Too bad for Mickelson...If only he were playing against Jean Van de Velde last week...What can he say? He picked the wrong Frenchman...

11:23 Come on TNT...That's just cruel...Do you really have to play "Pressure" while rubbing it in Jean's face...This is just cruel...You will burn in Hell Peter Alice...You will burn...

11:30 Does the "It's the dreaded snowman." refer to John Daly's 8? Or is it his perfect physique?

11:34 Sato now has 4 birds in a row, and I STILL have no effin' clue who he is...

11:35 Did you hear that? Sergio's butt has to release...Release what? What aren't you telling us Surge?

11:37 Surge is shaky with the blade...Uh oh Surge...That could get bloody...Stay away from the love marbles if you're shaky with the blade...

11:40 Well people that's it for me today...I gotta go get some food, or I will pull a Sherri Daly and carve into John...Be sure to join me tomorrow...I'm not going to blog the whole round, but I will have all of Tiger's televised holes...Also, head on over to Sons of Sam Malone this evening for a day 1 wrap-up and day 2 preview...I'll see you bitches later, and try not hurt yourself doing that self sustained circle jerk...I know I didn't get a chance to explain it in detail...I'll get to that tomorrow...Later homies...and have an EX-SI-LENT day...In the words of Ronald Jenkees...Peace Out...