The Ten Stages of Athleticism

by Sanchez, Shot To Nothing

These days you don't need to be fit and healthy to compete in a professional sport. Sporting superstardom is within everyone's grasp, just find your place on our handy guide and see what sport would suit you best.

In reverse order:

10. Big Fat Bastards - See: Darts players
With zero fitness required, these sports will suit those who are really just looking for an excuse to go to the bar and drink. And what better reason is there then because you're 'in training'?

Best example: Heck, it worked for Andy Fordham (pictured). That pie-master was the World Darts Champion a couple years back.

Hot dog hounds please note: Eating is not a sport, it's a necessity.

9. Unhealthy Sloths - See: Baseball Players (1)
Not quite big enough to be considered a 'big fat bastard', your out of shape ball player may (or may not) have once been young and slim but is now too old and/or fat to make it around the bases without wheezing intensely.

Best Example: Barry Bonds, Randy Johnson

8. Fighting Fat - See: Offensive linemen, Defensive Linemen
'The Herd' get their own special stage because they're that weird mix of large and light-footed. If you thought human evolution was best measured by track athletes, you were way off. What could be a better sign of human athletic achievement then being fat and fast?

Best Example: Jon Stinchcomb, Keith Traylor

7. Laid Back Lackies - Golfers
Some of them are actually fit, but most of them just look like somebody's dad. Man-boobs are common in this 'gentlemans' game as are after round drinks. And neither make for a particularly flattering physique.

Best Example: Vijay Singh, Colin Montgomery

6. Not Quite Fit - See: Baseball players (2)
Thankfully for a lot of our favorite ball players, fitness is not an absolute necessity. As long as you can throw with pace and accuracy and not strikeout too often, then you can make it at the top flight.

Best Example: Dan Uggla, Albert Pujols

5. Average Allstars - Various Motorsports
The level of competition very much reflects the required fitness levels; Formula-1 requires elite physical fitness in order to handle the g-forces, whilst Monster Trucks... well as long as you got a drivers licence (or claim you've got one) you're good to go.

Best Example: Lewis Hamilton, Valentino Rossi

4. Allrounders - See: Baseball players (3)
If you want to be a real star in the game of sticks and bags today you will need to at the very least, look impressive. With tone and speed between the bases, guys at this level are fun to watch, if only because they stand a chance of stealing a base now and then

Best Example: Jose Reyes and uhh...

3. Awesome Abs - See: Track and Field Athletes, Boxers, Tennis Players, Rugby players, Football players
Athletes at this level have worked hard and made several sacrifices to be get to their level. They can run faster then most animals, tackle hard and generally throw shit further then anybody would ever need to.

Best Example: Asafa Powell, Joe Rokococo, Ricky 'The Hitman' Hatton

2. Uber Fit - See: Rowers, Swimmers
It is widely accepted that the three best forms of exercise are Rowing, Swimming and Sexual Intercourse. Unfortunately the latter is not yet recognised as a sport, but if it was then I would already be in the top ten of all time yo'.

Best Example: Sir Steven Redgrave, Michael Phelps

1. Bionic Man - See: Tour De France and Florence Griffith Joyner
If you took the blue pill, the red pill and every other damn pill you could get your hands on then you may fit into this category. But don't worry you're not alone, there are many other athletes out there who have forgone hard work and gritty determination in favour of doping up to the eyeballs and risking it all on the prick of a needle.

Best Example: Ben Johnson, Troy Landis and anyone on Gary Players' list.