Tony Stewart Unleashes Venomous Tirade on Entire Pit Crew for Making Him Win in Chicago

by Boochie Gilchrist, Loser with Socks

Yesterday, Tony Stewart broke a personal 20-race drought in perhaps the most boring NASCAR race yet this season to take the checkered flag at Chicagoland Speedway. But the real fireworks happened in victory lane, where Tony emerged from his car and immediately unloaded on his team.

In the post-race interview, Stewart said, "It's really frustrating to pull the Home Depot Chevrolet in a place you haven't been in awhile. I'm not gonna be the fall guy on this one, so from the bottom of my heart to the tip of my great hoosier turd-cutter, I'd like to send out a big "fuck you" to my crew chief, Greg Zipadelli, for calling for all the adjustments we made. Thanks, pal."

Smoke continued, "All I do is drive the car, I give input on adjusting wedge, track bars, pretend I like that bastard Jared in the Subway commercials, shit like that. You don't see me jumping over the wall, executing flawless tire changes. I'm not the jack guy or the catch can guy, got it? Mark Larson, my spotter, this is all on you, you miserable bag of ass! If it weren't for you, I could be throwin' down the pity card and sulkin' in front of the cameras over by the moho right freakin' now instead of standing here rackin' up Coca-Cola chug points on TNT!"

Tony, promising to "stick his boot so far up the asses of his crew that if he stood them all on their heads, he could drop a bowling ball down their poop chutes and it wouldn't hit anything till it tapped the backs of their throats" then proceeded to beat the crap out of his entire crew ala Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill, Vol. 1."

Two members of his crew, tire specialist Bill Byrne and rear tire carrier Jody Fortson were airlifted to an undisclosed areas hospital, were they were treated and held for observation overnight.

(satire ... as if you didn't know ... yeah, you ...)