Tony the Tiger is Luring Kids into His Sordid Games

by BOHChris, The Blog of Hilarity

I happened to be perusing a small sports website this morning, I believe it's called ESPM or something...you probably haven't heard of it. Anyway on this site, something jarred me. A bright orange ad with Tony the Tiger of "Frosted Flakes" fame pointing towards the sky demanding that I "Earn my stripes." Normally, I try to not listen to things that cartoon spokesmen yell at me (the Lucky Charms leprechaun keeps telling me that bad children must be removed from Earth but something about that doesn't sit right), but Tony the Tiger has always tried to lead me down the right path. Other than the whole teeth-rotting cereal thing.

So I click on the ad, fully prepared to finally have Tony the Tiger respect me, the opportunity I've always wanted. I enter the Earn Your Stripes page. Instead of the world of sugar coated whimsy I was so hoping for, I'm surrounded by little awkward-looking kids talking about sports and a video newscast hosted by some gay little ethnically ambiguous boy, Adam. It's even sexier for predators than a day on MySpace.

There's Adam to the right. It almost looks like these photos are being taken in Pete Townshend's house, but regardless. Adam's the little host of EYS (what the cool kids call it...acronyms are TOTALLY EXTREME). But he's also a 12 year-old athlete. In fact, he even gives his favorite sports memory:

During track season at school, I was running a one-mile race with my class. I was doing really well and was the leader of the pack. I thought I had it in the bag and started to relax a little, concentrating less on my breathing and my technique. Then, all of the sudden, one of my classmates came from behind and passed me!

My classmate made the race seem effortless, breathing under control and taking smooth strides. I was out of breath and was starting to get really tired but then a motivation sparked inside me and my heart started racing. I was determined to put all of my energy into bolting back into first place.

Finally, I passed my classmate and ended up winning the race. It was a great feeling to win but I was even happier about what I learned that day.

Yeah sure you did Adam. I'm sure your little strength of will overcame somebody who actually was able to run with speed and consistency. Lazy prick. Well, what did you learn?

1. Even if you are in first place, continue to give the race your all; don't relax until it's over.
2. To be a great runner and athlete, techniques are important. I am going to practice more on my breathing and form.

Okay, I find it hard to believe that a 12 year-old is correctly using semi-colons. I've been writing my entire adult life and they still pop up in random plac;es. Secondly, if you couldn't run properly, isn't this the wrong message to be teaching kids? That classmate of Adam's was kicking ass, running the right way and all that. But he couldn't win because Adam is soooo scary talented.

Whatever, fuck Adam.

The real athlete star of EYS isn't Adam though. Not to me, at least. That title is reserved for Neal K., an 11 year-old from Kentucky.

Neal's great. The title of his article is Hockey Showcases Teamwork. But the image to the right is Neal's little To Catch a Predator trading card. If he loves hockey so much, why is he holding a bat in his picture and listing his favorite sports as Basketball and Baseball. Jeez, the NHL just can't catch a break can it? But young Neal's lack of prowess as a human (which, in fairness, should be expected since he's an 11 year-old from Kentucky) is even more evident in his choice of role models.

Rick Pitino, head coach of the University of Louisville, is my favorite college coach. He does a lot of team bonding. I heard on the radio that sometimes he takes the team bowling after a win. He not only has fun with his team, but he makes the practices hard because he loves to win and wants his team to love it, too.

Ah Rick Pitino, truly one of the great teachers of our era. I look forward to Neal learning many other fine traditions from Pitino including his key lessons of Lack of Accountability, How to Bomb Embarrassingly in New Ventures, and How to Effectively Use Semen to Style Your Hair. And really, your big epiphany in team-bonding is a coach taking his team bowling after games (which also seems pretty far-fetched in a top 25 NCAA program)? You suck at life Neal.

Ah, picking on little kids...perfect for making yourself feel big. Thanks Tony!