What Makes You Think You Can Be a Black Hero?

by , Deuce of Davenport

Why aren't we asking our athletes this question? Forget endorsements, shoes, bling, steroids, date rape, making it rain ... Well don't forget making it rain. That's money. Straight cash homey. You feel me.

Where are today's Jim Browns? Fred "The Hammer" Williamsons? Truck Turners? Where are the athlete-heroes that made the blaxploitation period of the 70s the greatest period in American film history? Jim Brown stepped up for the rights of the downtrodden in the past. Let him call out the professional athletes have fled from their duty to put their dignity aside and fight for the hearts and minds of the masses through film. Until he steps up, we at the Epic Carnival will help these lost souls see the light by offering some suggestions for future projects.

1. Pacman Jones in The Players Club 2: Strip Club Bandits: Pacman teams up with DMX to open up a strip club but The Man (played by Roger Goodell) along with sidekick/yes-man Gene Upshaw constantly attempts to thwart his plans.

2. Terry Glenn in Coffy: Glenn takes the lead role in this remake of the Pam Grier classic. By day, he's a football player by day and by night he's a trannie nurse/vigilante out for revenge on the dealer (Sebastian Janikowski) that hooked his boyfriend, Terrell Owens on GHB. "He knows what you're watching and you're gonna get it."

3. Michael and Marcus Vick, Tank Johnson and Stephen Jackson in the N-Team: In 2007, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a federal court for a crime they committed. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the southern VA underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as criminals of fortune along with their pitbulls Tec and AK. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you find them, you should run from the N-Team. What? N for No-gooders, you racist fuck. Don't make me sic NOIS on you, assclown.

4. Clinton Portis in Dolemite 3, The Human Tsunami: The picture says it all. He's so bad, he kicks his own ass twice a day like the Hamburger Pimp.

5. The Cincinnati Bengals in The Dirty Eleven: No war. They just fight, rape, burn and pillage for 2 hours. Kind of like Apocalypto combined with The Story of Ricky except in football pads and cars.

This is only a sampling of the potential blaxploitation gold out there. We could go on for days but we'll leave that up to you.

And of course, every hero needs a theme song. AC Green and Randall Cunningham would probably choose Jermaine Stewart.