When Celebrities Attack: Top Five Sports Dilletantes

by The Extrapolator

Being a celebrity can get kind of boring, apparently. Glitterati from all walks of life are forever trading on their fame to indulge their fantasy lives. One favorite way to indulge in role playing is the vanity sports moment.

Investment bankers and line cooks have to pay out the nose for dumbass fantasy camps, where Roger Clemens can buzz one by their ear when they encroach on the plate, and then they can lie to their friends back home about how they stared the Rocket down, when the truth is they are still scrubbing stains out of their tighty whities.

For a celebrity with little athletic skill, it's much easier. They just phone up their good buddy the GM and ask for a tryout. The GM always jumps at the chance, because he knows he can charge people a mint to watch a movie star strike out. Better yet, some go whole hog and just buy the team.

Without further ado, here are the top five celeb sports dilletantes:

5. Tom Clancy - The hack author took a break from fantasizing about blowing up the football stadium in Baltimore to actually climb into metaphorical bed with the detestable Peter Angelos. He is now the Vice Chairman of Community Projects and Public Affairs, which translates roughly to "Big fat ol' cash cow" in baseballese. We have no idea what he really does, but these guys are willing to take a guess.

4. Master P. - Thanks to Percy Miller, the words "rap" and "impresario" are now conjoined permanently in my brain. I thought the word impresario went out with the age of steam, but apparently I was incorrect. Anyway, Percy Miller was a decent high school basketball player who decided to start his own record store, called No Limit Records. He turned from retailing music to producing it, and turned No Limit Enterprises into a multi-million dollar business. His own net worth was once estimated at around $361 Million. So he did what any rich man would do - he used his fame to get a training-camp gig with the Charlotte Hornets, and later the Toronto Raptors. The Not-so-masterful-P. was waived by both teams after helping them sell out a few exhibition games, and never laced up in a real NBA contest. He later helped Isiah Thomas destroy the CBA by playing for the Fort Wayne Fury.


3. Garth Brooks - The Thunder Rolled into spring training when country music legend Garth Brooks decided he'd like to play "batting cages" with real ballplayers. The San Diego Padres took a flyer on the 40-year-old country music superstar. The thinking must have gone something like this: "If he tears some ligaments, I won't have to listen to him whanging away on that damned guitar any more". Brooks got to take some cuts in BP and actually got to pinch-run (for Wally Joyner, no less) in a spring game, but he ended up getting tagged out on a double play. We'll give Garth a bit of a free pass on his awkward big-league dreams, because he really does use his fame and money to help kids play baseball.

2. Michael Jordan - I know what you're thinking. "But Michael Jordan was actually an athlete!" Sure he was, no doubt about it. But does anyone legitimately think that Jordan would have had a shot to join the White Sox organization if he hadn't been The Greatest Basketball Player of All Time? I don't. And to make things cushier, Jerry Reinsdorf, owner of both the Bulls and White Sox at the time, honored Jordan's basketball contract throughout his dalliance with that stick-and-ball foolishness in Double-A Birmingham. That proved to be a good move, as Jordan returned later to lead the Bulls to another three-peat. Even though it was kind of uncomfortable to watch him flailing at curveballs, I kind of like this aspect of Jordan's first retirement - it adds flavor to his legacy, in an odd way.


1. Jay-Z - Shawn Carter gets the top spot because he has always done it right. Everything Jay-Z touches turns to gold. Unless we're talking about Beyonce's assets, in which case they may have gone platinum. From his best-selling records to Def Jam and Roc-a-fella; from the 40/40 club to the New Jersey Nets, Jay-Z does everything with aplomb. He is a relatively low-key team owner, despite the hype attendent on every appearance he and Beyonce (or whoever else) make at courtside. As in just about everything else he does, Jay-Z is The Blueprint for celebrities who want to dabble in sports.

I had to pick only five, or this would have gone on forever. So let me have it in the comment field: Who did I miss?