When Face Paint Fails: A Fan's Guide to Souvenir Merchandise

by , Loser with Socks

Ahh, college football game day is coming. From Ann Arbor to Towson State, in stadiums everywhere, fans will be decked out in t-shirts, hats and face paint. Their cars will be adorned with magnets and stickers. I get it. You're. A. Fan. But when it comes to fan paraphenalia, some people will buy anything to proclaim their allegiance, which is a nice way of saying, "hey, I'm a real dumbass who likes to blow money."

And that's a fact not lost on marketers of crap, er... collegiate souvenir merchandise. So, yours truly took a spin around some college bookstore wwwsites, trolling for something unique to buy to tell the world, Hey, look-I'm a fan, get it?!? Here's a few items for your perusal:

The West Virginia Mountaineers Helmet Toothbrush Holder

The collective oral hygiene of West Virginians tend to make the British look like they have winning smiles. If it weren't for their inattention to their choppers, we'd all probably say "teethbrush" instead of "toothbrush." Well, for just $9.95, you can have your very own WVU toothbrush holder (sorry, they do not take food stamps). Big enough to hold one toothbrush for every pretend Heisman candidate on the squad. It's been said that the yellow in the 'Eers' blue and gold was specifically designed to match the shade of most West Virginians' teeth, er, tooth. Interesting. Buy it here.


THE Ohio State University Fiberglass Wall Fountain

Water features are becoming increasingly popular with homeowners. And if you're a rabid Suckeye, why not slap one of these puppies on the side of your house? Its timeless Mediterreanean design will not complement any single home in the state of Ohio, but why let a trivial thing like that stifle your school spirit? Good for outdoor or indoor (wtf?!?) use, all you have to do is mount it on the wall, pour in some water (or beer, if you're a true tOSU fan) and plug it in.

Of course, if they really wanted to do it right, they would've sculpted the fountain to have Brutus giving Lloyd Carr a golden shower. Yours for only $179 here.


Lady Vols Satellite Dish Cover

Hey Vol fans- now you can do more with your satellite dish than just tie your clothesline to it! For just $21.95, you can tell sheriff's deputies, social workers, stepchildren, practically everyone that even if you're stealing satellite tv, you're still pulling for Pat's girls. Also available in the men's "power T" logo. Not, however, available for those of you who still have giant satellite dishes in your front yard. Click here to buy.



Crimson Tide Door Knocker

Nothing tells your houseguests that they're about to enter the home of a deranged person quite like this Bammer knocker. Its handsome, timeless design will not only will get a "Hell yeah, by Gawd, Saban rules!" from your peeps, it's bound to scare the hell out of Mormon missionary kids and Jehovah's Witnesses alike.

Made entirely of brass, the knocker is long-lasting. Your fellow Bammers will have a hoot knocking once for each national championship you think you've won in football; by last count, that's about 74 titles in all. That's a lot of knocks! It also comes with mounting hardware that'll secure it to the front door of your trailer (personally, I would've shaped the knocker like an elephant trunk, but that's just me). Only $54.99 here.

Thanks for reading and gooooo (insert your team here)!