Which MLB Team Has the Hottest Concession Worker?

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Ask any home ec teacher as she sits back at the end of another satisfying day with her generic cigarettes, her rubbing alcohol and her stories, and she'll tell you -- the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. But which team delivers on this knowledge and promise for common scum like us with truly hawt concession workers? Epic Carnival has gone the extra mile with an extensive scouting mission to every MLB stadium, and is proud to bring back our top three candidates, along with a staggering medical bill and some outstanding internal parasites. Vote for your favorite in the comments!

Francine Mendoza, Sec. 121, Milwaukee Brewers

Francine rocks the hairnet with a classic clean white look that makes us want to do unspeakable things to her aerodynamically efficient head. You can just tell by her generosity with the jalapenos in the nachos that she's willing to go the extra mile in the sack, and her comparative lack of obesity makes her an eye-popper in the Miller Park trough line.

Food meter: 9. What this woman can do with hot sausage, they don't teach in any school.

Hot meter: 6. Excess back hair is a drawback, but the fryer tatooed on the small of her back makes you totally feel like you're hitting it for minimum wage.

Mara Devant, Sec. 117, New York Yankees

Mara keeps you waiting and wanting more with her Film Noir / Ren Faire Whore look, showing exceptional commitment to the role in the sweltering New York summer. Her world-weary look and delicate hands distract you from the boiled and very wrong hot dogs and heat-lamped popcorn she slowly parts with, every move feeling like a betrayal. It's like you are in a movie or hellish, never-ending community theater skit, complete with sticky floor and a strong feeling of disillusionment.

Slip her your cell phone number, $20, and a meaningful glance in the sixth inning, and you may find yourself enjoying a fast but memorable performance of "America The Beautiful" during the seventh inning, um, stretch. Finally, your feelings of self-loathing for this ritual can be truly justified!

Food meter: 4. It's slow and bad, but she usually forgets to charge you for all items, because she hates herself that much. (By the way, those lines on her skin? Don't ask.)

Hot meter: 8. Quickie hate wanks are, pound for pound, the very best hate wanks. Besides, you both know you won't call, so you don't even have to lie. Mara's sweat acts as a strong lubricant, due to the presence of onions and heroin. Finally, she didn't get this job on her speed at the register, if you catch our drift. Might as well she her at her, um, best.

Hollie Marie Smith, Sec 202, Atlanta Braves

Hollie claims she's just making money for college, but her thick accent and overly eager eyes tells you in a glance just how true that is. The buttoned up shirt and oversized teeth say no, but the disturbing amount of extra condiments and fast hands tell a different story.

Food meter: 9. Hollie Marie will make someone very fat someday, and she's eager to try out her batter equals affection routine on you. Get extra napkins.

Hot meter: 7. Ever have that fantasy where you're totally bending that prissy high school government worker over and giving her the old special order? LIAR.