Who Should've Been the Next Chunky Soup Spokesmen

by Stan, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

Today we are taking aim at an off-beat topic: the “Campbell’s Chunky Soup NFL Campaign.” As some will attest, it’s NO badge of honor to be selected as an endorser. Some of the prevalent names of the past include Reggie White, Terrell Davis, Jerome Bettis, John Lynch, Brian Urlacher, Michael Strahan, Kurt Warner, etc. (Forgive me if I forgot anyone).

The current cast includes Matt Hasslebeck, Donovan McNabb, Ben Roethlisberger and the newest additions of LT, Larry Johnson, Todd Heap and Vince Young. That’s a pretty interesting crew, but as the ArmchairGM explains…all these players are at great risk. We aren’t going to dibble-dabble in all that curse talk (not that we don’t believe in it); that’s not the purpose of this here read.

You see, the Chunky Soup commercials offer us a tantalizing tease when we are incapacitated and hungover as mother f*cker watching football on a Sunday afternoon. Outside influence is needed in our decision process. It’s really Chunky against the major Pizza chains for our business. Partnering with the NFL was a shrewd and genius marketing ploy by Campbells, as a company.

I’m not saying it always works, but having the right spokesman can go a long way when marketing a product. The current cast of NFL stars should carry just enough persuasive power to keep Chunky’s as an ideal competitor in the Sunday munchies game. And not only have they attempted to employ NFL stars, but they are also attempting to get their moms to star in the bit as well. Wilma McNabb anyone?

And so, with the recent announcement of the new cast we couldn’t help, but over analyze and come up with a few names they may have missed. And don’t worry we aren’t going down the Michael Vick, Brady Quinn or Pacman path, it’s probably time we all rest on those jokes just a tad (and that doesn’t mean I’m not guilty). Let’s move right along to the future prospects…

Matt Leinart – Sex sells…bottom line. And if we can’t have Brady Quinn, here is our next best option. We’re asking for at least 4 days of facial scruff and then a pitch for consumers to try out the new “BBQ Seasoned Burger.” Isn’t it time for Leinart to have some “key” endorsers? And with a baby in tote, it’s important that he set a good example by eating something that “fills you up right.”

Eli Manning – Poor Eli can’t seem to catch a break. Big Brother Peyton is always there to shit in his cereal every morning of his waking life. He just can’t seem to shake the shadow. However, getting a bit with “Chunky’s” would be a breakthrough for SheLi. Nothing along the same lines as the freedom to say “Cut that Meat”, but still it’s a start. And isn’t the notion of seeing Archie and Mrs. Manning spoon feed Eli “a soup that eats like a meal” a vision we all just expect as the norm?

Those cute boyish looks sell products themselves. And Eli just reeks of marquee endorser…once he gets over his social anxiety disorder.

Reggie Bush – This just seems like a slam dunk. And to be honest, I’m a little against throwing him up on the list. Yet, I’m pushing the joking manner aside today and being serious…how can Reggie not be an endorser? I’m taking arguments via email. Although, Jared and his Subway Nazi’s probably don’t want Reggie selling anything for the competition. Eat Fresh Jared, you fat bastard.

Joe Thomas – Shouldn’t a soup that advertises itself on being “beefy, hearty and chunky” be sold by a beefy, hearty and chunky kind of guy? This is probably the last guy in the league who would whore himself out for a product. I mean he skipped the draft to go fishing, but you never know unless you try…I guess.

Chad Johnson – He needs no sales pitch. The man sells himself and he could sell the sh*t out of that f*cking soup.

Other options: Tony Romo, Drew Brees, Calvin Johnson, Steven Jackson, Marc Bulger, Champ Bailey, Jay Cutler, Ray Lewis.

And of course, your criticism and/or suggestions welcomed in the comments below…