Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: Who's Juicing on the Course?

Who's Juicing on the Course?

by The Feed

Golfing legend Gary Player chipped into the debate about the need for drug testing in the sport today when he revealed that he knows of a player who has used steroids. Player won’t let us know the pill-popping putter’s name because he took an oath of secrecy and also said that he’s heard from others around the 19th hole that there’s more than one user out there. That makes us wonder just who it could be so we decided to take a look at 18 of the suspects (one for every hole!) and the likelihood that they are Player’s player.

Tiger Woods – Pro: The 24 inch pythons. Cons: Doesn’t need any help.

John Daly – Pro: Hasn’t met a substance he wouldn’t abuse. Con: The substances he prefers to abuse involve saturated fats as opposed to ones that help him exercise.

Angel Cabrera – Pro: Anyone could slip anything into one of his Kools. Con: Is an Argentinian version of John Daly.

Bubba Watson – Pro: Leads PGA in driving distance but is 174th in accuracy. Is from a town called Bagdad and we all know that anything goes in those parts. Con: Would Gary Player even know who he was?

Jim Furyk – Pro: Steroids can cause baldness. Con: Needs full flexibility for that goofy swing.

Phil Mickelson – Pro: History of meltdowns in big spots may point to roid rage. Con: A bit fleshier than your usual steroid user.

Sergio Garcia – Pro: Is European and probably knows some professional cyclists. Con: Is the size of a Tiny Toon.

Charles Howell III – Pro: Pressure to live up to Charles Howell and Charles Howell II caused him to juice. Con: Weighs less than Sergio.

Jason Gore – Pro: Meteoric rise from minor league tours to the big show may not have been based on natural ability. Con: Makes John Daly look like he’s in shape.

Corey Pavin – Pro: His 2006 win at the U.S. Bank Championship was his first in 10 years. Con: There are infants longer off the tee.

Vijay Singh – Pro: Doesn’t want women playing on the tour, perhaps because he doesn’t want them to see the little Singh in the clubhouse. Con: Not much change in appearance over the years.

Seve Ballesteros – Pro: Just retired from golf as talk of drug testing begins to grow. Con: Hasn’t played much in the last few years.

Rocco Mediate – Pro: Guys named Rocco tend to cut corners. Con: Wouldn’t be a guarantee to beat Pavin in a driving contest.

Shaun Micheel – Pro: Has had treatment for low testosterone. Con: Other than the fact that he’s a golfer, none.

Rich Beem – Pro: Wrote a book about his wild lifestyle and came out of nowhere to win the 2002 PGA. Con: Hasn’t won since making it more likely his wild lifestyle was based on substances other than steroids.

Rory Sabbatini – Pro: Called the bad boy of golf because he said Tiger was “beatable,” which indicates an unhinged viewpoint of life. Con: Hasn’t actually beaten Tiger.

Boo Weekley – Pro: Is balding, larger than usual golfers and 18th on money list in first full season on tour. Con: Probably couldn’t afford juice until this season.

Mark Calcavecchia – Pro: Is back in the top 20 of the money list at the age of 47 after finishing 120th last year. Is married to an Italian who could know the Italian doctor that doped all those cyclists. Con: If anything, his physique has gotten less impressive over the years.

1 comment(s):

Rae Carruth's Trunk said...

Calcavecchia has actually admitted to the use of doping techniques due to late stage AIDS.


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