You Don't Get a Second Chance to Make a First Impression

by Lozo, Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog?

No, I don't have dandruff.

Hi, I'm Dave Lozo. You might know me from such blogs as Why Don't We Get Drunk And Blog?. This is my first post here. I feel as though if I'm going to win you, the reader, over, I have to do so in the first post, otherwise you're going to lose interest quickly. I also consider this the reason why I haven't had sex with the same girl twice since 1998. And in that instance, she was drugged, so I figured what the hell.

Sadly, though, I don't give a shit care what you think. I have to curb the cursing here. But yeah, I don't care. Clearly I'm more awesome than you because I have my own blog.

But do you know who is more awesome than me? Fans who run onto the field during sporting events.

And I'm not talking about the kind of field storming involved with knocking off the No. 1 team in the land. I'm talking about the best kind -- the drunken kind.

Am I advocating the illegal activity of running onto a field? Yes I am. It's funny. The crowd loves it. As long as you're not running out there to stab a player or attack the Royals' first base coach, who gets hurt besides you when security pummels you under the stadium?

However, and this is important, you have to have someone record you running on the field and put it on YouTube. Television broadcasts routinely don't show fans on the field, so you're going to have to count on your friends to get you uploaded onto the Internet.

Looking for tips on how to make your experience as outstanding as it can be? That's where I, and YouTube, come in to play.

I've tracked down the most outstanding field invasion clips on the Internet, all baseball games. Why baseball? Because there is so much field to cover, it can lead to quite the dramatic chase. Football is usually over before it starts, and who runs onto a basketball court or hockey rink?

So here are my favorites.

Our first stop is Dodger Stadium.

First off, a real disappointment in terms of length, just like my penis. He barely made it to left-center. I will give him credit for showing the guts to take on no less than six security guards as opposed to turning back or cutting it to the outside. He did juke that first guard, but unless you're Barry Sanders, you're not shaking and baking six men trained to beat the hell out of drunk idiots.

And believe it or not, you can watch the same idiot from a different angle. God I love the Internet.

Let's head East and see what's happening in Yankee Stadium.

Pretty much the same effort we just saw in Los Angeles. He might have gotten a little further, but he made a huge mistake.

When you're surrounded with nowhere to go, you can't just stand there and be all, "Hey, you got me." Security isn't going to gently place you on the ground and give you a massage. These guys live for crushing idiots who run on the field, so you either have to keep moving to avoid the direct hit or get down.

Here is where it gets better. Top-notch superstars. Let's head to Canada, eh?

It's hard to see because it's right at the beginning and from far away, but this guy clearly fakes out one security guard. And he's already in the middle of the field, so outstanding job by this guy who was clearly hopped up on the Molson Ice.

Since the highest concentration of assholes poopyheads are at Yankee Stadium, let's go back there for what is the second-best showing for a fan rushing a baseball field.

Round of applause for this man.

Let's review the showing. He clearly gets started in the outfield, and manages to make it all the way to the deep infield. In the process, he breaks two tackles, sheds what appears to be a flannel shirt and slows down to touch second base before finally being taken down. Kudos to you, sir.

But the last, best, most fantastic display? We have to go to Cleveland for that.

A complete and utter professional.

First off, he uses the distraction of a benches-clearing brawl to get on the field. Outstanding.

He then does what so few do, going from the infield to the outfield without a hint of resistance from John Law. After that, he rips off some clothes to draw praise from the ladies in Cleveland. Just like when Jack Parkman did his little shake, it drives the ladies in Cleveland wild. And in a case where it seemed like he was too wide-open, he puts on a little show by doing a flip for the fans.

But the cherry on top is the non-resistance. He doesn't give the police the satisfaction of beating the shit out of him. Lays face-down, hands behind his back. Bravo, sir. A tear is running down my cheek.

What did we learn here? You have to either go infield-outfield or outfield-infield. Cutting across the outfield is just you running to your doom and not maximizing the expansive space that is a baseball field.

When the chase is on, you can't just stop and give up. You must go as hard as you can for as long you can. Just like me with your mom. Breaking at least one tackle is key.

And finally, if you can, get the crowd involved with a little wave. Stripping also works. But just make sure you're not combative with the authorities. The beating behind the scenes will be a lot more forgiving if you don't go nuts on the field.