12 Steps to Becoming a Better Troll

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Are you filled with hate, but too scared to admit it? Do you long for the opportunity to give someone the finger on the Internets, but worry that it will show up on your Permanent Record? Are you ready to argue with people whose idea of fun is to craft 850 words of howling into the wind on a near-daily basis? Then have we got a program for you!

By following these simple steps, you too can make a difference in the lives of sports bloggers that crave your attention like naughty, naughty children -- and become famous over the entire World Wide Web as that Anonymous guy who posts comments in sports blogs. Let's begin!

Step 1 - Remain anonymous. Let's face it, sports bloggers (especially Carnies) are a notoriously vengeful and thin-skinned lot, and they can be crafty about getting you to reveal personal details. Don't fall for their taunts to step up and show your "real" name. Only by remaining completely anonymous, and not even using a false online pseudo can you *really* tell them what you think. Plus, it makes us wonder which of our fellow bloggers is doing the slagging -- could it be... someone famous, or someone (gasp) we know?

Step 2 - Overvalue your time. It's simple -- instead of being an office drain who is sneaking in some cyberslack, think of yourself as the royalty that you will one day become, when the world sees your stark genuis. So if the blogger fails to amuse you, off with his head!

Step 3 - Become the Homeless Homer. Nothing quite stirs up the blood like a braying jackass fan of the rival in the enemy camp. If your comments have been getting ignored, you might do better with a more partisan base.

Step 4 - Enjoy the stress. That tension you feel as you generate hate and take it back in spades, from faceless names on the computer screen, can take years off your life... but they are the years at the end, when your erections come out of a bottle, hair comes out of your ears and nose, and the hookers charge extra with cause. Burn that candle, baby!

Step 5 - Embrace your Inner Comic Book Guy. Become the insufferable expert of All Bloggy Goodness. Just think of it as an act of charity -- bestow the wisdom. (Yes, we know, we're not worthy, we're not worthy, yada yada yada...)

Step 6 - Become your own cheering section. Don't have the sheer sado-masochism to make your own blog and put up with your own Anonymous Trolls? That just shows you have too much Important Work to do. Like reading this, for instance.

Step 7 - Call in reinforcements. Why drain your own tank of hate, when you can ping your fellow shut-ins to join in the pissing match? Remember, if more of you are all pissing at once, that is in no way gay. Plus, hey presto, more piss!

Step 8 - Invent your own quasi-profanity / insults. Anyone can call someone a douche and mean it. But do you have the sheer testicular fortitude to invent your own compound insult and make it stick? Can you be the first to combine Urban Dictionary.com with an ESPN catch phrase, and then wrap it all together with a text message style misspelling?

(Let me try... you Donkey Boo-Yah Bytch! Damn, I was so close, but I just couldn't stick the landing. Sigh.)

Don't be afraid to scale the heights. This is where Anonymous Sports Blog Troll Legends are born.

Step 9 - Post early and often. If you're worried that your killer putdown doesn't quite have the stopping power you wanted, add to the effect by posting again and again, in quick succession and in a variety of different "voices." The best way is to use your rap slang to throw them off the trail, especially if you are white and don't listen to a lot of rap. That never fails!

That pesky blogger might be able to shake off one insult, but will they be able to get past one insult and a half dozen "Damn! You showed him up good!" and "Woo!", "LMAO!" and the like? Hardly.

Step 10 - Go BIG. If you haven't gone to ALL CAPS SCREAMING in the middle of your post for NO GOOD REASON at all, making your hate sound utterly RANDOM, you haven't lived. Get in touch with your INNER TOURETTE'S (or, if you are partial to the CHEESE DOODLES, your inner STEPHEN A. SMITH).

Step 11 - GO BIGGER, especially in responses. Why settle for a garden variety wrestling heel feud, when you can go all the way to Defcon 6 and get the local authorities monitoring your house? Remember, you are an Anonymous Sports Blog Troll. You are so NOT to be messed with.

Step 12 - Threadjack! When your feud shows signs of winding down, as all good pissing matches sadly must, don't be afraid to take your rant into an all-new, completely unexpected, place. This is a really good time to start talking about your medications, your love life, those mean kids at school, your job, or all of the other things that don't have anything to do with the original thread. The world needs to know!

Congratulations -- by completing this program, you are now ready to assume your position as an Anonymous Sports Blog Troll. Now go, and make us hate!