A.C. Slater vs. Andrew Clark

by Kyle Smith, Doberman on the Diamond

A question that I have seriously pondered for many years (as I'm certain all of you have) is this: in a wrestling match between Saved by the Bell's A.C. Slater and The Breakfast Club's Andrew Clark, who wins?

Both characters have pros and cons that may swing the outcome either way. Let's go to the tale of the tape.

Trash Talk
Clearly, Andrew Clark is the winner here. A.C. Slater is far more concerned with doing the right thing than talking smack. The best insult he can come up with is calling best friend Zach Morris a "preppie."

Clark, on the other hand, is a verbal beast. He takes no crap from anybody as displayed by numerous forceful threats. When challenged by the socially unacceptable John Bender, Clark viciously tells him what he will do to him by saying, "Just you and me. Two hits. Me hitting you. You hitting the floor. Anytime you're ready, pal." He continues his verbal assault, telling Bender, "If I lose my temper you're totaled, man."

Advantage: Andrew Clark

Girlfriends

This is a tough call. On one hand, you have Slater, who is one of the most popular guys in school, and who has a popular, intelligent girlfriend. On the other hand you have Clark, also a very popular guy, but who seems unsure of himself. The tiebreaker here are the women. Clark may or may not have banged Claire, the cheerleader who can put lipstick on in an enticing way, but he definitely bangs the basket case Allison after transforming her in a single day from freak to normal.

Slater is less of a playboy, and though he has an off and on relationship with hottie cheerleader Kelly Kapowski, his true love is Jessie Spano. The victory goes to Slater in this one, because he manages to turn Jessie from an intelligent good girl to an out and out whore who decides to go to Vegas to pursue a career as a showgirl but ends up coked out and stripping.

Advantage: A.C. Slater

Family Life
Family shapes everyone, and clearly these two were heavily influenced by their own. Slater comes from a military family, as his father is an important man in the armed forces. He pressures A.C. to join the ranks, but to his credit, Slater refuses, and is determined to follow his own path.

Clark's father is also a difficult man to please. He is not happy that Andrew has to spend an entire Saturday in detention and wonders aloud, "Shat if you missed a meet? No coach is gonna give a scholarship to a headcase!" Andrew's home life is full of pressure and knowing he will never truly make his father proud. For this reason, Clark gets the nod here. His will to gain his father's acceptance will make him a more dangerous foe on the mat.

Advantage: Clark

Social Skills
A.C. Slater clearly has developed the social skills necessary to sweeten up the referee, while Clark is just as likely to try and embarrass the official. Slater is a friend to all, and is not judgemental of the geeks. In fact, he even has one of the biggest dorks at Bayside High as one of his closest friends, in the form of Screech Powers. Slater also engages in many outside activities, such as dancing, singing and playing in a band, cleverly dubbed, "The Zack Attack."

Meanwhile, Clark is a meathead who has no social skills to speak of. If you are deemed lower than him, he will terrorize you. The entire reason he was in detention in the first place was for geek abuse. In the locker room after gym class, he cruelly taped a young man's buttocks together for the amusement of others. Though Clark later cries like a woman because he feels guilty for this felonious act, he may not show true remorse. Another strike against Clark is his unabashed use of the illegal narcotic Cannabis Sativa, while A.C. Slater would never consider doing such a thing and even leaves a party thrown by a famous Hollywood actor because of the presence of said narcotic.

Advantage: Slater

Outcome: I believe that the winner of this match would be Andrew Clark. Based on his penchant for violence, his determination to please his father, and the multiple women he has manipulated, it only seems natural that he would be the type to give that little extra to overcome A.C. Slater. While it is impressive that Slater turns his girlfriend into a drug addicted stripper/whore, it is not enough to give him the edge in what is sure to be intense combat. When it comes right down to it, A.C. Slater is just too nice a guy to defeat Andrew Clark. Clark wins on points.