The Best Little Quarterback Cheat Sheet in Texas

by, The Grand National Championships

Hi. I'm Andrew. I'm from The Grand National Championships. And the fact of the matter is, if I don't do a first post in my wheelhouse I'm never actually going to post here, and that's just uncool.

Thusly, as an intellectually curious man with a sharp mental acuity, I am going to give you a good analysis about your Fantasy Football Cheat Sheet Issues. Why? Because while I may never win one of these Fantasy Football Leagues, maybe, just maybe I'll get you over the top.

The Best of the Best

Your number one quarterback is Peyton Manning. That's easy enough. If you don't know who he is, first off, I am glad you've selected sports as your new hobby, welcome. Secondly, he has great receivers, a mediocre runner, and an awful defense. Put it simply, even if a video comes out of him doing untoward acts of an adult nature to country music superstar Kenny Chesney, he's your top pick.

Two and Two-A are Tom Brady and Carson Palmer. Carson is the safer pick. He has a good system in place, and he's now two years removed from a horrific knee injury. Year two does wonders for the knees. Brady's only real offseason problem was his desire to sex Brazillian supermodels while bedding random MILFy actresses. Now he has Randy Moss and randomness. If Randy Moss stays healthy (And that is a question for minds more pompous than me to yell at each other about) then Brady's upside is higher. 2 and 3 are your call.

The Four Stars

Drew Brees has a great running game and a good corp of receivers. He's in a great system for him and he has a furry thing on his cheek. Essentially he is the Fergie of Quarterbacks. Only, talented, and more feminine.

The only reason why Marc Bulger is not rated higher is because he has Steven Jackson behind him. Steven Jackson is the new running back Jesus. Bulger's good, but Steven Jackson is the second pick in the draft if you care about things like runners the year after they go for 400 carries.

Good, but you cannot get hyped up for these guys. And you must get hype for your Fantasy Teams!

Do you really want Matt Hasselbeck? I mean really. He's the rich man's Ty Detmer. He has a good offense to work with and all, but the man is uncharismatic. You look at him and yawn. And he did a Chunky Soup commercial. God, my dislike for him rises with every sentence.

Do you believe in the Evangelical God? How about Mike Furrey? If it's yes to either, then Jon Kitna is the man for you. Sure, it's not a question if Calvin Johnson is good but when, but if Jon Kitna does what the magazines say Jon Kitna does? Then praise Jesus. You have a quarterback to be hyped about. If not? Lots of yards, a good amount of TD's, and Jesus being too busy filling inside straights to care.

Vince Young is giant Randall Cunningham. But there are forces at work more powerful than you can ever imagine at play here. And Vince will fall. Oh yes. If you must draft Vince, make sure to consult your local apothecary for a good curse breaker, or at least handcuff Tim Rattay.

Seriously, he's going to be like McNabb was last year. Get a good back-up.

Phillip Rivers has Antonio Gates. He also has other people. He'll be okay. But point of fact, this is the reason you may want to jump on a QB Round 5 or 6. This right here? Proof that the milk has gone bad at the position.

Donovan McNabb tore ligaments in his knee. It is usually followed by a down season, and if you follow the Culpepper corollary, a mobile quarterback such as young Donovan will be extra doomed. I'm just glad that the fans in Philadelphia, are kind, patient, and forgiving souls.

The Best of the Rest (Boiled down into one or two sentence.)

11. Tony Romo (Scores more touchdowns off the field than on. Wasn't great with the same offensive core at the end of last year.)
12. Jay Cutler (He will improve, along with or because of Javon Walker's douchebag ass being fully healed. Yes, I'm a Packer's fan, why do you ask?)
13. Ben Roethlisberger (Upgrades off the field lead to upgrades on the field. No truth to the rumor that he is the inspiration to the song Spicy McHaggis.)
14. J.P. Losman (If you're in a distance scoring league, you will love me for this. If you trade for him after his original owner is disappointed in his start, you will want me to be your best man.)
15. Eli Manning (If your given name is Eli, you are overrated. Yes, this is based on Torture Porn, why do you ask?)
16. Matt Leinart (Poor man's Tom Brady in more ways than one. I may underrate him, but this is a coordinator who runs first. There won't be many 38-31 games like last year.)
17. Brett Favre (Strictly a backup. If you're in a league that's all negative points for picks and stuff, he falls to the 20's.)
18. Jake Delhomme (Potential bounce-back candidate? Steve Smith in an odd year may be the key.)
19. Jason Campbell (Less for Cooley and Moss and more for that video where he supposedly ricochets two balls in midair and they hit two different receivers. That was cool.)
20. Alex Smith (Yeah, he's still passable even if Frank Gore continues that Portis in 2006 impression all the way until his IR'ing shoulder injury in week 9. Until Darrell Jackson gets hurt.)
21. Steve McNair (The Baltimore Ravens have the potential for a good offense, but Steve McNair's last game was ungodly bad. Thus, he is worse than NFL Bogut.)
22. Rex Grossman (But he will either be in the Top 10 or Kyle Orton's buttboy by the end of the season. Yes, Griese IS the back-up. I am saying third string, how perceptive.)
23. Chad Pennington (Lyle, the Effeminate heterosexual (Mike Greenberg)'s mancrush is the epitome of meh. Add to that fragility? You have yourself a back-up. Odds on a we want Kellen chant? Week 8.)
24. Matt Schaub (Back-ups going to bad teams to start always work well. I mean you don't expect me to drop a Frank Reich reference here, but there you go. That is how I roll!)
25. Jeff Garcia (OMG LOL GAY! But really, the team is bad. Garcia + Bad Team = Cleveland Browns reference. Nobody wants that.)

There. 25 QB's. Get a good one early, they just might run out quickly.

Yay! Football post!