The Best of Epic Carnival Series: Five Tool Tool

by Davey, Blown Coverage

Every Wednesday Tuesday we thought we'd give you a little taste of what goes on at the home sites of our many fine writers. Amazingly enough, when they're not here entertaining you at Epic Carnival, they all have Web sites of their own in which they discuss the state of the economy in Bolivia express their opinions and display their deranged senses of humor. This way you can get a small glimpse into why they were chosen to be a part of this conglomerate of crazy.

This week's entry is a modified post from DMtShooter on Five Tool Tool ... enjoy!


It's time to establish the Epic Carnival Ground Rules on What Is and Is Not Sport. You may or may not agree with the following. But if you don't, you are Wrong.

1) Sports is not commuting.

Somewhere, in some place that gets snow and ice, some guy is going cross-country on skis. Then he's jumping over something. Finally, he's swooshing through some trees and/or other obstacles in the parking lot.

It takes him about 20 minutes or so, and then he steps into the lobby, pulls his skies off, and heads over to his cubicle to fire up some YouTube timewaste.

He may or may not be an athlete. But as a guy going to work, he's less interesting to watch than Texans-Raiders.

Four out of every seven days, I jump on a bicycle helmet and pedal off to the train station. After it shows up, I ride it for a while, and then catch two different subways.

I am not an athlete. If you watch me doing this, you're doing it to stare at my ass. Pay me or stop.

Someone – oh, let’s just say you’re mom, to up the ante -- climbs into their car every weekday and drives to work. No one cares. It’s not sports.

None of us are engaged in strategy, worried about what wrinkle the defense will come up with to stop us, or scoring points. We're just getting to freaking work.

So stop pretending that skiers, bicyclists, drivers, walkers, joggers, jockeys, rowers, yachters, and a billion other monkeys moving from Point A to Point B are worth putting on the tee vee.

Because no matter how you dress up, it's just commuting. And commuting is not sports.

2) If it's more fun to watch it being done badly, it is not a sport.

In 1984, a fat loser from England (Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards) attempted the ski jump at the Calgary Winter Olympics. Would he crash? If so, would be bounce? Would he even get off the platform? The world was riveted.

It was also the last time ever that ski jumping was interesting.

This is, of course, another nail in the coffin for NASCAR. And gymnastics, diving, luge, bobsleds, and a million other things that are usually trotted out every four years.

If it's more fun to watch you do it badly, it's not sports.

3) If two people can have an honest disagreement on who won, it's not a sport.

If someone wants to turn figure skating into a sport, put freaking hoops on the ice for them to jump through. Stick banners on tops of greased poles for them to pick up against a clock. Maybe some land mines on the ice, too. Or something.

Because without a scoreboard, what you've got is a beauty pageant on skates. And beauty pageants are Not Sport. (This also goes for the Dog Show, which is the same thing as the beauty pageant, only the contestants lick each other for love, not money.)

4) If you can get better at it with liquor, it's not a sport.

In college, I knew a ROTC guy named Marty. Like all ROTC guys named Marty, he was a freakish ball of fast twitch muscle trapped inside a guy who used to be socially awkward.

Being broke college students, we'd go out bowling, and at the start of the night, be more or less even -- both crappy. Then Marty would pound some, charge the lane like he was throwing grenades, and improve his pin count up into the 200s, mostly from throwing it straight ahead like a shot put.

So I'm sorry, but there goes bowling, darts, and 90% of all softball leagues. (Not yours, though. Yours has serious athletes in it that could have definitely gone pro, if only your high school coach wasn’t such a douche. Now, please, stop writing me about it.)

5) If you're sitting on your ass while playing it, it's not a sport.

I like poker. And chess. And, for that matter, Parcheesi with my nieces and nephews, especially when I send them home and make them cry. (Then, mock them for crying.)

But none of this is sports. It's recreation. Nothing wrong with that. But it belongs on television about as much as Dick Vitale. Naked.

6) If it's a reasonable substitute for war... I'm not telling you it's not a sport.

Boxers, lacrosse players, wrestlers, ultimate fighters, rugby players, javelin throwers, hammer tossers... you're all great. Really. Me Like You Much. Going away now. Bye bye.