Cubs in First Place, Armageddon to Follow

by Jack Cobra, Cobra Brigade

With their 5-4 victory over Philadelphia coupled with a Milwaukee loss to the Mets, the Chicago Cubs are now in first place in the National League Central Division.....and the world will never be the same. This isn't like if the Colorado Rockies took over first place in the NL West, things are going to get weird, and they are going to get weird really quickly.

I'm a Cubs fan so I can understand the excitement of being in first place on August 2nd. It seems like it's been forever since Cubs fans have had much to cheer about, so you can be certain that we are going to take our time and enjoy this moment. The rest of you.....you need to be aware of a few things going forward, this will not only help you....but society as a whole.

• Celebrity Cubs fans are going to start coming out of the woodwork. The Cubs have a few celebrity fans that are always around.....John Cusack, the dude off of CSI and Billy Corgan are a few. Unfortunately, other celebrities are going to start showing up in TV with Cubs gear on. Look for Vince Vaughn, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and David Beckham to follow suit very soon. This will become annoying, if it hasn't already.


• I live in a college town (Bloomington, IN) and for some reason college girls love to wear Cubs hats when the Cubs are playing well. Yes, it looks hot, I'm not complaining about that. What I will complain about is the fact that these girls couldn't tell Mike Fontenot and Ryan Theriot apart. The Cubs have some of the biggest bandwagons for people to jump on, so prepare yourself to feel like punching your neighbor in the face when you see him taking out his garbage while wearing a Dempster jersey.
  
• Speaking of Theriot.....I can guarantee you that someone is going to name their child, Theriot, in the next couple of months. It's going to happen. It's absolutely crazy, but it's going to happen.


• Cubs fans are going to blow up/kill something. This is because of The Curse. A goat will die soon and it's not going to be pretty.


• Chicagoland is going to be crazy. This happens so rarely for Cubs fans that no one really knows how to act. I'm going to apologize beforehand. When the White Sox won the World Series they had a nice little parade and went back to work in the afternoon. When the Cubs start playing well it's like Mardi Gras and Carnival all rolled into one.


• Last, but not least....ESPN is going to send someone in for 24 hour coverage. My guess is that it's going to be Rachel Nichols. She's around town to cover the Bears a lot, so expect to see her face on SportsCenter quite a bit over the next few months and set your personal tasers to 'stun and shock'.

As you have read, things are going to get crazy. Consider this your first warning and begin to prepare appropriately.