Great Moments In Athletic Masturbation

by Lozo, Why Don't We Get Drunk And Blog?

Many people are already well aware of the untimely, sad demise of Eddie Griffin. However, I think the demise is far less sad when the last newsworthy thing you did on this planet before dying was masturbating in public. Sorry, but that's funny. I think Eddie and I are going to be the only two people on Earth who will have "masturbator" in our obits when we die.

That got me to thinking -- what other athletes have shook hands with their monster and gotten caught? Because let's be honest -- what is more universally sad and funny at the same time? Just think back to that time your mom walked in on you, only instead of it being your mom, imagine it's the world.

Well, these are the public masturbators that I could find. In honor of Eddie, let's get our stroke on. And since I can't be positive on all of these, let's call these all alleged, shall we?

1. Eddie Griffin, NBA player

Sometimes when you gotta jerk it, you gotta jerk it. Griffin decided he had to jerk it while in his car.

And I say good for him. Why not? If you're in your car, and you've got a DVD player in the dashboard, and you've got copies of "Anal Action" and "Privates" laying around, why not give it a quick stroke, no? You know if you had tinted windows and five minutes to kill, you'd do the same.

2. Dick Williams, former A's and Mariners' manager

This happened in January 2000 and never ceases to not crack me up.

"Police were called to Williams' hotel after several guests reported that the 70-year-old was walking naked and masturbating outside of his room in Fort Myers, Fla., where he was attending a fantasy baseball camp."

It sounds kinda like the camp Kramer went to where he slugged Mickey Mantle, only Williams was slugging himself. People should plunk down $2,000 to live like Dick Williams for a week. Oh yeah, and his name was Dick.

3. Byron Houston, former NBA player and Okie State Cowboy

This happened this year, and is just your basic guy-masturbating-at-an-intersection story.

"A woman called police around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday to report that a man was masturbating at an intersection in northwestern Oklahoma City, police Master Sgt. Gary Knight said. Officers found Houston in the driver's seat of a vehicle with his underwear on the floorboard, and the woman positively identified him, Knight said."

At an intersection? This guy is OSU's all-time leading scorer. For a guy who could finish in his prime, he's having a hard time finishing at the age of 37 if he can't get done in the time it takes to get caught and have police respond to this. It was rush hour, too. And how long was the woman watching him go at it that she could positively ID him?

4. Tate Pittman, Texas A&M football player

This one involves the least amount of fame, but probably the smoothest pickup line and best story in the history of male-female relations. Fellas, if you're looking to meet a lady, get a pad and pen take notes.

"Freshman defensive lineman Tate Pittman beckoned a female student over to his vehicle. He smiled at her and calmly asked, 'Can you help me with this?' as he pointed to his exposed genitals. He was arrested and charged with indecent exposure."

You think that's it? "Can you help me with this?" Oh no. It gets funnier.

"Two weeks later, possibly to commemorate the two-week anniversary of his first arrest for indecent exposure, Pittman chose another female student, and again smiled before revealing his genitals. In the world of indecent exposure, a smile clearly indicates a non-threatening exposure, but unfortunately for Pittman, the girl was not familiar with the flashers' code of conduct, and he was arrested again."

Twice! Using the same move! Ladies, for future reference, when I smile at you in traffic, that could be going on. I'm just saying.

5. Larry Harrison, Michigan football player

What's better than masturbating in front of others? Well, how about doing in front of others, like, multiple times?

First, how about our whacker's M.O.

"For the second time in six days a large man was approaching her house with his pants down, masturbating. The first time he had covered his face with a T-shirt. But this time she could see his face, and he was standing much closer at the end of her driveway, about 10 feet from the porch. ... Larry Harrison Jr., a Michigan sophomore and a 6-foot-3, 300-pound football player, has been charged with four felonies in connection with the incident at Karlson's house and three similar cases of indecent exposure near the campus."

I'm no math major, but that's seven incidents, that he was charged with, in all. Wow. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy rubbing one out as much as the next guy, but wow, Larry took it to new heights. At least, I assume he did. He's a 6-foot-3 black man, and as well all know, black guys are huge. What an awesome stereotype.

Also, imagine the sight of a man, white or black, approaching your window, pants down, shirt over his head, masturbating. It's like some really, really scary version of Night of the Living Dead.