Happy Birthday, Rocket

The first Apple Macintosh hits stores. Hot lesbian action photos of Vanessa Williams surface in Penthouse, forcing her to surrender her Miss America crown. Tranny hookers discover crack cocaine. The Terminator sweeps theaters.

The year was 1984 and on August 4th, William Roger Clemens' big league baseball career was born.

He went on to win seven Cy Youngs, an MVP, 2 World Series rings, a couple of pitching triple crowns, struck out 3,000 batters, earned 300 wins and even had some brats with his wife Debbie, who likes to glue plastic gems on denim crap.

We think birthdays are awesome, so we've put together an enormous gift bag for The Rocket's 45th. Since we love you, we're giving you a sneak peak...

Congratulations on being one year older, Roger!

Prune juice and bran flakes It's important to stay regular and sometimes folks your age need a little help from mother nature. There's nothing like a little nectar of the Poo Gods and 100% fiber cereal to have you feeling like a rookie again.

Elks Lodge drink chips These are essential for the exciting Friday nights out at the Lodge in the off season. Be sure to wear your dancing loafers, because there's an 80-year-old fart playing Jimmy Buffet on a synthesizer in the corner.

Lawn Decorations This gift is a favorite among soon-to-be retirees and other types of elderly folk. Pink flamingos serve as a hideous, yet effective obstacle course for those rude passerby when you're at home with your family instead of traveling with the team on days you don't pitch.

Polident This stuff works miracles to keep your dentures white, odor-free and minty-fresh so you can flash that charming grin during every last one of your media-infested press conferences, even into the onset of dementia.

Preparation-H All that sitting on bench during the last five or six innings of a start will have your cheeks screaming for relief. So, we've topped off our sweet gift bag with some triple-action hemorrhoid medication. No need to thank us.

What would you like to give The Rocket for the 45th anniversary of his birth?