Epic Carnival | Where Sports and Pop Culture Collide: House of Mirrors: Who Wins a Fight Between Jaws and Theismann?

House of Mirrors: Who Wins a Fight Between Jaws and Theismann?

by The Original JD, Six Pack Sports Report

History is full of great debate. Questions that remain unanswered like "what came first the chicken or the egg?" or "can you get pregnant through anal?" Luckily for you - the huddled masses - Epic Carnival is here to settle these arguments once and for all. House of Mirrors is your favorite Carnies taking a look at one another and debating the mysteries of the universe. With the NFL season kick off right around the corner the Carnies are talkin' Monday Night Football. When Joe Theismann was replaced in the booth there was only one real question to ask - Who would win in a fight, Joe Theismann or Ron Jaworski?

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool: Jaworski. Despite being the older man, he'd have prepared to the greatest possible detail, with extensive film preparation that gives him critical edges. Plus, he could just make that SNAP noise from the Lawrence Taylor MNF incident, and Theismann would weep like a little girl.

WCT, Wasting Company Time: Easy. Jaws would win. He would spend the weeks and months leading up to the battle locked in a film room studying tape of Theesman's previous fights and analyzing his fighting style. The day of the fight he would arrive with a finely-tuned game plan and execute it to perfection. Or, he would just go after Theesman's bum leg.

DCScrap, Our Book of Scrap: First off, Jaws played for Philly. Theismann played for Notre Dame. Point for Jaws. Second, Jaws wears women's glasses. Joe gets fake tans. Point for neither, they are both pusses in this one. Third, Jaws has a cool nickname. Joe changed his name to rhyme with Heisman. Point and a half for Jaws. Fourth and finally, Jaws ended his career on his own terms (if you consider playing out the string with the Chiefs "on his own terms," and I do!). Theesman ended his career on the carpet with bones poking through the skin of his leg. Point to Jaws. Winner by TKO: Ron "Gloria Vanderbilt glasses" Jaworski.

Sanchez, Shot To Nothing: Tony Kornheiser would win because both competitors would be bored to death with the fight commentary. Then they'd have to bring in someone else... and God only knows who that would be.

Sterling Gould, More Credible: If Jaws and Theisman got into a brawl, I would totally take Jaws. Do you know how much game planning Jaws does? He's probably watched game-film for every Theisman fight since he was in the womb. He's got Joe's combo down to a science. Joe also has some weak spots... *cough *cough KNEES *cough *cough. I'm pretty sure the bone is still sticking out of his leg, and Lawrence Taylor is still checking in, making sure indeed he didn't "kill him". Jaws has no weak spot, he's just fat. His gut is so big, he has the entire offensive playbook of the San Diego Chargers drawn up on it. And Joe better not think about throwing a punch anywhere underneath the chest. One punch to that gut and it bounces back... like rubber.

Jaws is UFC on ESPN. rawr.

Don, With Malice...: Simple response to this: How could a guy with a nickname like 'Jaws' NOT win?

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball: Jaws for sure. Besides, with the return of American Gladiators, Joe will be busy.

theoriginaljd, Six Pack Sports Report: I understand that right now it's basically a clean sweep for Jaws. He'd be more prepared that's a given, and he has also never had a leg snapped Slim Jim style on national TV. However, I'm putting my money on the underdog in this fight because I think Theismann can take Jaworski if it comes right down to it. Theismann has had to listen to people insult his ability for years, and he'll never live down the indignation of being the guy who had his leg broken by Lawrence Taylor on TV. Now he's been fired and replaced by Ron Jaworski you don't think there's a fire in the belly of Joey T. that will only be put out by the blood of Jaws? I think Theismann would release a barrage of shots that Jaws has never seen before - he'd be the Patriots in 2001 coming from nowhere to take out the heavy favorite. Jaws might carry the early rounds but Jaworski's game plan won't be able to take into consideration the fact that Theisman has plenty of time to work on his stamina. Hatred will fuel the Theismann victory and I'd be standing there saying "I told you so" as the only one who believes that truly God wants Theismann to be happy.

2 comment(s):

More Credible said...

My response got axed?

Aww man...

theoriginaljd said...

Now I'm freaking out - if any response did get axed it is because I got many different emails about this topic in different threads and I just misplaced it. I'm searching my inbox right now to see where I f'd up.

Related Posts with Thumbnails