If Pro-Athletes Were Food...

by Don, With Malice...

Ok, I like food. I mean... who doesn't? And I like sports. Well, duh - I write in a sports-blog.
So, combining the two - if athletes were food, what would they be? Not food they'd choose to be, but what would they be.
Example: Kobe thinks he's steak (named after steak 'n' all), but he's not. He's cake. Good cake... REALLY good cake. Cake's great... but you always feel guilty later about liking it. (Note Kobe... Shaq is steak)

Ok... so my 10 'if-athletes-were-food-they'd-be' (in no particular order):
10. Shaq is steak. Prime rib - big, juicy & has all the extras. Steak is satisfying. Simple fare - no BS... and satisfying - it definitely gets the job done. You finish a good steak, you don't want anything else.

9. Jerry Collins (NZ All Blacks) is a line of 10 Tequila slammers (ok... not food, but meh). Will hit you before you know it, and you'll not know what happened, and wake up tomorrow feeling like a truck ran over your head. Guess what? May as well have...
8. Barry Bonds is natto (fermented soy beans). Smells like something my dog wouldn't touch... often told it's the goods - healthy & tasty, but I'm not believing it.
7. Carlos Zambrano is a Hotdog, with bacon & extra chilli. Good simple fare with a lil' pork, but WHAM! With a zing you won't soon forget!
6. Roger Clemens is Ise Ebi (insanely priced large shrimp/small lobsters from the Ise Peninsula in Japan). Expensive as all hell, don't go the whole distance, and at the end of the day they're still just a goddamn lobster. Lobster's good, but at that price? Are you nuts?
5. Lauren Jackson is Nachos. I just cannot get enough of nachos.
4. Danica Patric is Fillet Mignon. Fantastic stuff, delicious. Excellent flavour & looks, but rarely filling - always leaves me wanting more.
3. The San Antonio Spurs are Castor Oil. Smooth, but they give me the shits.
2. David Beckham is Soufflé. Light, fluffy, over-priced, and really... you can only take so much. Very little substance.
1. Tiger Woods is Kobe beef. Quite simply the pinnacle of any cuisine.