Match.com Mondays!

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

As we make our way through this world, we're all trying to do one thing... procreate. But sometimes, it's hard to find a partner that shares the same interests as you do. I'm all about love baby, so I'll be promoting the Match.com's profiles of our favorite athletes/commentators/journalists. You never know, you the reader might find the love of your life!

This Week's Featured Profile: Tim Kurkjian

Display Name: omg_its_baseball
Status: Online now!

* 50-year-old man
* seeking women 18-50
* within 300 miles of Bristol, Connecticut, United States

Relationships: None
Have kids: None
Want kids: Yes, at least 10, so I can field a team and a reliever
Ethnicity: Whitest guy you know
Body type: Athletic and toned, (thanks to the Barry Bonds Sessions)
Height: 5'3", so it'd take 67 of me to hit to right field at Fenway
Religion: BabeRuthisasm
Smoke: No, but I chew
Drink: Regularly, it's hard being lonely

For Fun:
Well, I guess I should tell the tru...
BASEBALLBASEBALLBASEBALL. Sorry, I get a little carried away thinking about it sometimes. I love baseball stats. Gosh, just thinking about the baseball gets me a little turned on. Where's my bitch match.com?

My Job:
I have the greatest job in the world. I work for ESPN and I get paid for gawking at baseball history, stats, players, and managers. It's like watching pornography... legally!

My Religion:
The only god I believe in is Ted Williams, the baseball God. His batting average was .344 and he had 521 home runs. I heard everytime he had a hit, a child was freed from slavery.

Favorite Hot Spots:
Well sugar, we are going to see the word. Most notably YANKEE STADIUM, SHEA STADIUM, GREAT ALL AMERICAN BALLPARK, TURNER FIELD, FENWAY PARK, WRIGLEY FIELD, COORS FIELD, PNC PARK, MINUTE MAID PARK, and somewhere in those ball parks we'll stop to have sex. God it's so hot. I'm getting bothered just thinking about it.

Favorite Things:
ERA's, Batting averages, Pitchers and Catchers (hehe!), home runs, doubles, singles, triples, skippers, Joe Morgan, Babe Ruth, bats, balls, foul poles, The Steroid ERA, Bud Selig, BASEBALL TONIGHT (favorite!), and runs. I guess anything baseball related that you can make into a sexual innuendo.

Last Read:
My own book IS THIS A GREAT GAME OR WHAT? I'm working on another book right now called WILL I BE A VIRGIN ALL OF MY LIFE? which will be co-authored by ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning's, Mike Greenberg.

ABOUT ME AND WHO I'M LOOKING FORI've been watching baseball since I've been out of the womb. My career "strikeout to homerun" with women is 1, 495, 752 to 2 (thank God for Nevada's liberal prostitution laws). I'm looking for a woman who is impressed with my knack for knowing numbers and doesn't mind when I ask her Jake Peavy's ERA at a inopportune times (which it's 2.21 by the way).. You've got to understand, baseball's history is the most important thing of all time. Michael Irvin had cocaine, I've got Albert Pujols strained biceps *shivers, shuts eyes, bites lower lip*. I would've been a dumpster baby had I not screamed "HOME RUN PAPA KURKJIAN" out of my mothers "touched up" vagina. My lady's got to be good with a bat and won't mind injecting it with a little cork (gosh I'm so clever). I never sleep, I just watch the last baseball game of the day and I wait until the sun comes up the next morning and I review pitching matchups from that day's slate. On Sundays, I like hanging out with my good buddy Joe Morgan and we play "Mailbox Baseball". And then we go home to Bristol for a nice cooked goose made by legendary announcer John Miller (who hasn't missed a start with his wife since 1895). I'm a sucker for ballpark hot dogs, popcorn, Cracker Jacks, pretzels, and overpriced shitty beer.

I also have a few "marriage demands". Like, I don't want to call our house "a house", I prefer "the dugout". And our bed will be called "the mound". My perfect match has to accept that I will call on a reliever from time to time (because one binding yourself to one team... err.. partner for a lifetime is really hard!) Our children will be called "Bat Boy/Girl" and pictures around the house will replace loved ones with Hall of Famers such as Babe Ruth, Nolan Ryan, Barry Bonds, and Jonathan Pabelbon. And a few of you are thinking "PABELBON?", well, you just don't know baseball. Since I've been at ESPN, Jonathan Pabelbon has saved every game, rescued 18 tree climbing cats, has a 24-0 record of putting the toilet seat down, and just recently acquired the hand of God. If any of our loved ones ever have to visit the hospital, we'll release an AP report citing the injury type and if anyone asks, we'll say that they're on the 15 day DL. Our Wedding Video will be replaced with the August 22 2007 game between the Texas Rangers and the Baltimore Orioles (where the Rangers scored 30 runs (the most since 1899) and the most runs in a double header (36)).

Those are some simple demands really...

OMG! Carlos Beltran just hit a homerun! Gotta' go. Write quickly my-soon-to-be baseball-lover! I'm already feeling 2 for 5 in luck.