by Sweet Uncle Lou, Hire Jim Essian!
Well, it's another Cubs-Cardinals series in Wrigley Field this weekend, meaning thousands of Cardinals fans will descend on my city with thousands of pairs of jorts and hundreds of teeth. At the helm of their team is a man from my hometown. A man who allegedly exudes "class." A man who has a reputation for being a baseball genius.
A man who should make Cubs fans happy to have me, and I'm here to break down the numbers and tell you why:
- Number of 1990 World Series trophies sitting on the back of Tony LaRussa's toilet tank: 0. Number of 1990 World Series trophies sitting on the back of my toilet tank: 1.
- Number of DUIs I have: 0. Number of DUIs LaRussa has: 1.
- My drink of choice: Old Style with a shot of Wild Turkey poured into it off a 24-year-old's breast. LaRussa's drink of choice: red wine.
- My career batting average: .291. LaRussa's career batting average: .199.
- Number of times I've worn sunglasses at a night game: 0. Number of times LaRussa has worn sunglasses at a night game: hundreds.
- Number of seasons I managed the White Sox: 0. Number of seasons LaRussa managed the White Sox: 9.
- Terrible haircuts: push.
- Times LaRussa was a Yankee: 0. Times I double-teamed a chick with Bucky Dent: 14.
- Crappy broadcasters LaRussa has gotten fired: 0. Crappy broadcasters I've gotten fired: 1.
- LaRussa's taste in roleplay ----------------------------
---- My taste in roleplay
- Number of pitchers killed under LaRussa's watch: 2. Number of pitchers killed under my watch: 0. Until they can produce a body, Will Ohman is just "missing."
You're welcome for showing up for work every day, Chicago.
---- My taste in roleplay 
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2 comment(s):
LaRussa could punch me in the face and I'd just believe it was his way of saying "Hello, Can I buy you a beer young man?"
And then we'd tell stories, take a piss on someone's tire later on, and light shit on fire.
I love Uncle Lou!
Tony will respond tomorrow right here at E.C.
Be warned, Sweet Uncle Lou. He will have retribution for this vicous, personal attack.
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