Mitch Seemed Like A Harmless Little Punter

by JA, The Feed

Mitch Cozad became a minor celebrity when he was accused of stabbing his competition for the starting punter job at Northern Colorado in the leg. His trial kicked off yesterday with opening statements from attorneys on both sides. The prosecutor set the groundwork for the case and made Cozad look like a real weenie during his turn in front of the jury.

Cozad tried to kill Rafael Mendoza "because he was obsessed with being the starting punter, obsessed with being the big man on campus and obsessed with meeting the expectations of his mother," Weld County District Attorney Ken Buck told jurors.

Nothing says big man on campus like punter. I know in my scholastic days all the pretty girls would flock to the punter while the football team's quarterback would sit alone in a corner, twiddling his thumbs and going home alone to watch scrambled porn through a cloud of lonely tears. He'd flog his member, long since impotent because of his depression at not being the punter, before rolling over for yet another sleepless night.

Cozad stalked Mendoza like a "ninja" for four days dressed in all black before springing into action, according to Buck. Cozad's attorney, who goes by the strange name of Joseph "Andy" Galveson, blamed the crime on another man, Kevin Aussprung, however. Aussprung was a freshman cut from the UNC football team and is described by Cozad's lawyer as a "football wannabe" that used Covad's car to flee the scene and throw the scent toward the mamma's boy. At a hearing in January, Aussprung, who had back surgery five months before the crime, said that Cozad gave him $100 to watch his car while he "handled some business" in the parking lot where the assault occured.

Most damning for Cozad was testimony from David Dyches, a former kicker with the football team. Dyches described Cozad as "pouty" after Rafael Mendoza beat him out for the punting job. Dyches also said that Cozad asked if he'd get the job in the event of a Mendoza injury, although he didn't specify exactly how the punter might get hurt. Perhaps he was banking on overuse. The Bears were outscored 280-80 last season leading to 65 punts, each one of them another reason for Cozad to pout his day away. The whole thing is like Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" except much more pathetic.

At home

drawing pictures

of coffin corner punts

with his team on top

starting inside the five

arms raised in a V

offense lay in pools of poor field position

The team didn't pay attention

to the fact that Mitch's mommy really cared.