The NBA's 07-08 Schedule Is Out

by BOHChris, The Blog of Hilarity

The NBA released the schedule for next season on Thursday, highlighted by match-ups involving teams of tall gentlemen playing a game invented by a Canadian. But which games should you etch into your calendar because, frankly, you have nothing better to do in August than plan which regular season basketball games to watch?

Oct. 30: Portland at San Antonio
I wish the Blazers hadn't traded Zach Randolph. Then we could have gotten a commercial like the one Tim Duncan and David Robinson had with "The gnomes are out of bounds," only it would have involved Greg Oden having to fetch Randolph his "druggin' pipe" and some fried Oreos and the tagline "Marijuana Kills."

Nov. 8: Dallas at Golden State
If the Warriors win this match-up, I eagerly await Mark Cuban stumbling onto the court like Shooter in Hoosiers, liquored up and waving around a lawsuit against Don Nelson for knowing the Mavs' secrets. Their secret: Dirk Nowitzki can't handle you tweaking his nipples before a game. The more you know.

Nov. 9: Memphis at Portland
Finally, Greg Oden and Mike Conley Jr. can reunite for a sexual romp of basketball unseen since Omar Epps and that chick in Love and Basketball.

Nov. 30: Los Angeles Lakers at Utah
Derek Fisher will show his appreciation to Jazz allowing him out of his contract by allowing his fully recovered infant daughter to become Jerry Sloan's 2nd wife.

Dec. 25: Three games
LeBron and DWade battle it out to see whose team is more useless, the Lakers and Suns shoot a lot until the Lakers ultimately lose, and Durant and Oden face off for the first time. I will watch that entire game with NFL Films music in the background to give it the truly epic backdrop it deserves.

Jan 17: Cleveland at San Antonio
"Ahh, I finally have erased the memory of the 2007 NBA Finals from my mind. How glorious, I'm ready to embrace basketball all over agai...OH GOD FLASHBACKS TIM DUNCAN AYYYY OH NO DAMON JONES AHHHHHH *seize and die"

Feb. 8: Boston at Minnesota
I imagine that for Kevin Garnett this will be like seeing an ex who hasn't quite recovered from you leaving. You feel great because, hey, you totally wrecked their life. Then you realize they're in Minnesota and realize that maybe this is a bit too much to throw on them.

Feb. 21: Seattle at Portland
This is on the trade deadline. This is only a significant game again because Kevin Durant and Oden will both be traded for second round picks this night upon the Sonics and Blazers realizing what colossal errors they've made. Being a basketball GM is difficult.

March 19: Denver at Philadelphia
Allen Iverson's first return to Philly. Philadelphia fans are traditionally known for their warm welcomes and easy going demeanors, so this should be a pleasant experience for all.

April 1: Boston at Chicago
The Bulls may not have gotten Garnett, but they do have a plan to neutralize him. Tune in to see Joakim Noah wearing a slinky cocktail dress and lipstick as he lures Kevin Garnett into a closet, then locks him in for the entire game. Scott Skiles: Master gameplanner.

April 9: Phoenix at San Antonio
"FOUL," yells Tim Donaghy from a jail cell. No, he isn't watching the game or even having a flashback. Rather, Donaghy is being sodomized by a distance cousin of Raja Bell while serving a stint in Rikers. Perhaps now he'll learn the value of sportsmanship.

April 16: Detroit at Cleveland
What better way to remind yourself of the upcoming abysmal 2008 Playoffs than a battle of the East's most depressing squads. It's FANtastic!