NFL Preview: Atlanta Falcons

by Bstone, Brahsome

The mainstream media placates, facilitates and even practically endorses the most sensationalist and “convenient” of stories. That is the most important thing to remember about the Atlanta Falcons this year. The second is that Bobby Petrino is slightly more powerful than David Stern (who tops out somewhere between God and Rupert Murdoch). The third, is of course, Billy Joel’s song, “Piano Man”.

“Why the hell are these important?” you ask, naturally, given the fact that the Atlanta Falcons are now essentially doomed to a 5-11 season, last place in the NFC South, and a top of the line draft pick in next year’s race for Brohm. Because that’s exactly what Bobby Petrino has wanted all along. Michael Vick has never killed, raped, tortured, strangled, mutilated, drowned or electrocuted any canines before. Come on. This guy looks like Bill Walton next to even Kool Aid Maroney when it comes to construda consumption, and you think he’s getting amped up enough to torture dogs? Please.

A few “facts”: the word “Louisville” kind of rhymes with “kennel”. To get from Louisville to Blacksburg, you would take I-77; Michael Vick’s number is….yup, you got it. Seven. Think that’s a coincidence? Maybe. But how about Brohm’s number with the Cardinals, 12—the exact number of months that Ronnie Mexico could end up maybe possibly spending in jail.

You see, Brian Brohm has been Petrino’s target ever since he accepted the Falcons job—there’s no way he moves to the NFL unless he has a shot at getting his prodigious little laser rocket armed quarterback (a model of efficiency that would enable Petrino’s offensive schemes, based on a QB being able to complete at least 60% of his passes) to adapt appropriately to the big time. Now, certainly Matt Schaub—the best signal caller the ATL had on the roster a few months ago—could have pulled that off. But there was no way to ever get rid of Vick’s salary…unless…well, we hate to be the conspiracy watchdog here, but why else would the Falcons let their best defensive player, Patrick Kerney, walk away? Why else would the Falcons allow Roddy White, Michael Jenkins and Brian Finneran to serve as a WR “corps”? Oh. Right. I forgot that Joe Horn was still alive. Although he might be better off just taking a permanent leave of absence than dealing with a season of Joey! Harrington underthrowing him.

All totally alleged and probably false conspiracies and poorly written juvenile jokes aside though, this is a Falcons team that is going to suck. Badly:

Quarterbacking
We’re looking at a team that lost Vick and D.J. Shockley for the year and traded Matt Schaub for the draft pick that will eventually allow them to move up to grab Brohm. People keep talking about Joey!’s last chance to redeem a once promising young career that was sidetracked by tough stints in blah-blah-blah-blah-blahhhhhh. He sucks. Get over it. It’s what he does. When he’s not tickling his first love, Elton John, on a piano, that is. And while I think Petrino may make a successful jump to the pros, eventually, I don’t care what a perfect match his schemes could be for Joey!; there’s no way he’s successful in the NFL. Even if he does complete 60% of his passes, he’s not going to run for 1,000 yards like Vick did last season, which leads us to…


The Running Game
The Falcons were the top ranked NFL rushing attack last season, registering 2,939 total yards and 183.7 yards per game. Yank out Vick’s total 1,039, and Atlanta suddenly becomes a middle of the pack 16th ranked rushing team in the NFL, not even accounting for the fact that defenses were always forced to play off the line to protect against number seven’s speed. All this means that the signing of Ovie Mughelli, a surefire offseason coup for an already stout running game, may go to waste. Warrick Dunn is banged up early and was expected to miss some time at the beginning of the season. And as sexy as Jerious Norwood and his 6.4 YPC were last season seem, he’s not the straightforward, power type of runner that can haul the ball 20 plus times and rack up the same numbers. Todd McClure is a nice center and Todd Weiner has a funny name, but rookie grader Justin Blalock needs to come out of the gates hot if the Falcons want to repeat last year’s rushing success—I’m not banking on it. Which means they’ll have to get their points through the…

“Aerial Assualt”
Sometimes quotes are used in writing to indicate sarcasm. This is one of those times. Joe Horn used to be a stud. He is now 35. In terms of someone who is paid to be faster than other people for a living, that is bad news. Almost as bad a bit of news as waking up in the middle of your life and realizing that you’re coaching a team in which Joey! will be throwing to White, Jenkins and maybe Finneran. Night-mare. You know what? It’s too painful to talk about. Let’s just move to other side of the ball.

Defense
Superb name value for the Falcons with Grady Jackson, John Abraham and Rod Coleman. And actually, aside from being an aging core of former superstars, when they’re healthy, they’re not a half bad group. Witness last year’s ninth best 103.6 rushing yards per game. But losing Patrick Kerney is going to sting badly for this defensive line, even with the addition of likely stud Jamaal Anderson and Jonathan Babineaux playing the role of a nice reserve. There is a lot of aging talent, some young potential, but also a ton of injury risks. Sadly, this group of players is much deeper than the linebacking corps, which features Keith Brooking (a reliable veteran whose been playing for 10 years) shifting to MLB, Michael Boley, and Demarrio Williams. Boley could really surprise this year and Williams is a decent player, but after that it gets pretty shallow in the depth pool. Again. Just like with the DB’s, where flashy but secretly ineffective and definitely susceptible-to-the-deep-ball DeAngelo Hall will hope that rookie Chris Houston can actually force some teams to throw his way. Lawyer Milloy is a nice name at safety, as is Chris Crocker, but there’s also little depth to be had back here, meaning if an injury takes place (which happens occasionally in this football thing) the Dirty Birds D is in trouble.

So, to recap: If every single player on the Falcon defense stays healthy, they won’t give up 25 points a game. Michael Vick is in the middle of some serious conspiracy sh*t. Overrated rushing attack going south. Joey Harrington. Oh, right ... And Brian Brohm.

VIEW OTHER NFL PREVIEWS