NFL Preview: Dallas Cowboys

by BOHChris, Blog of Hilarity

Right or wrong, I'm more terrified this year than I have been in the past couple as a Cowboys fan. We replaced one fat, surly, legendary coach with a coach who's only got one of those adjectives (I'll let you guess which), a quarterback coming off of a catastrophic playoff screw-up, a secondary potentially without its top player, a primadonna receiver who was Owen Wilson before being Owen Wilson was cool (sis boom bah suicide jokes), and a complete lack of Drew Bledsoe.

But the defense will be good, the running backs will be strong, the offensive line will be both meaty and good at blocking (two things I read are very important for linemen...thanks Michael Lewis!) and, on the plus side, the Cowboys are in the NFC. So are these fears justified? Let's take a look.

Offense

The offense will once again be led by the best QB to be banging Carrie Underwood, Tony Romo. Did you know he was Mexican? Because I didn't. Prediction: Carrie will not be pleased when she finds out, in a letter written by me in Taco Bell's Fire sauce.

The wide receiving corps are a year older, a year wiser, and a year less suicidal. At least that's the hope as Terry "She" Glenn, Terrell Owens, Patrick Crayton, and some guy named Sam Hurd. I have yet to have heard of Hurd. Also, Isiah Stanback's apparently hurt or something. Whatever.

Julius Jones, Marion Barber, and Tyson Thompson will hold down the fort at running back, finding various ways to frustrate fantasy owners of all three players. Will Jones be a feature back this year? Will Barber vulture another 20+ TDs? Will Tyson Thompson continue to sound like a Madden created character? Who knows, but combined, they would make one stellar running back with six legs, three heads, and massive genitalia.

The linemen are big and good. What do you want from me?

Defense

The Cowboys added another first round linebacker in Anthony Spencer to their roster, giving them a total of 5 first round picks hanging around the depth chart. Bobby Carpenter's looking like Busty Bustenter right now, unable to oust an aging Greg Ellis at an unnatural position out of a starting spot. But he's got flowing blonde locks. Also Bradie James and Demarcus Ware are pretty good at tackling and other Defensive Arts.

The line, with starters Chris Canty, Jason Ferguson, and Marcus Spears should also be strong. They will run many stunts, and gaps, and so forth.

The secondary will potentially be awful again as Roy Williams proves what an awful coverage safety he is, Ken Hamlin blows assignments, and Anthony Henry forgets that pass interference is frowned upon in professional football. A foot injury has slowed Terrence Newman thus far this season, potentially a liability down the line. Expect many blitzes to hide the secondary's many liabilities.

Special Teams

Dudes are gonna kick.

Coaching

Fatty Wade Phillips, he of the "defensive genius who kinda sucked as a head coach but not totally so what the fuck, let's give him another shot" mold will be the Cowboys head coach this year. He brings a great deal of defensive expertise from his time with the Chargers last season. Phillips is expected to run the "Steroid Blitz" as his primary defensive call followed closely by the "Quentin Jammer falls down" in a close second.

Jason Garrett takes the reins as Offensive Coordinator despite a lack of experience. Fortunately, Garrett was a stellar offensive player who truly understands what it means to be a QB performing at a very high level. Oh, right. Well, expect the career backup to run many many times and pray that Tony Romo can also be carried to the Promised Land by Troy Aikman.

Brian Stewart will shepherd the Cowboys D as their Defensive Coordinator. I don't know what he's done, but apparently he's a black guy, so that'll be nifty.

Overall

I'm not sure if you can tell, but writing this all down didn't exactly make me brim with confidence. But the D will be good (a black guy...fun!), the O will run a lot, and Wade Phillips will waddle around, so if you squint, you can pretend Bill Parcells is there. And, if they're awful, you can squint harder and pretend Dave Campo's there! Win win!

At the very least though, the Cowboys get to play Eli Manning, Donovan McNabb, and Jason Campbell many times. So there's a good chance the only passes the secondary will be seeing coming at them will be from Eli.

Prediction: 9-7, Wild Card berth

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