NFL Preview: Green Bay Packers

by Sooze, Babes Love Baseball



Can I do this in haiku form with lots of pics of Brett Favre?

No?

Damn it.

Alright well, first of all, I don't ever want to see anyone but a Packer attempt another Lambeau leap. I happened to be sitting in the second row of the end zone during that ice-cold, December 21st game and I almost puked everywhere. That may or may not have been from the sixer of Milwaukee's Best I shot-gunned in the parking lot pre-game, but either way I was disgusted.

Thank god the guy a few seats away from us threw his cup at him, cause I wouldn't have wanted to waste my beer or lose season tickets like that poor martyr.

So, the preview. Yeah, this season is gonna be awesome.

Let's start by taking back the cheese. The Packers were just 3-5 at home in 2006, so it can't get much worse than that - unless they go 2-6, which would be enough to make me puke, drinking the Beast or not.

I'd also like to make the bold prediction that they will make the playoffs, based on the sole fact that they somehow managed to end last year with an 8-8 mark and weren't officially eliminated until Week 17.

Everyone knows that you nab a running back or two a.s.a.p. when you draft. Everyone except the good folks of Green Bay, Wisconsin, that is. With the limping, 30-year-old Ahman Green gone, settling for Nebraska's Brandon Jackson in the second round was not my personal idea of intelligent, considering he's pretty much a midget. However, Vernand Morency will most likely rush for 400+ yards, spike a few footballs and hopefully complement Jackson, if his knees stay healthy. Noah Herron will serve as the third RB based on the bit of experience he has over seventh-round pick DeShawn Wynn and Brandon Miree will take over fullback duty in the absence of William Henderson.

Aaron who? Have I not mentioned Brett Favre yet? What the hell kind of preview is this?

Favre, bless his Southern soul, will make a point to throw peas to his teammates rather than the opposition, grab his chin strap in anguish fewer times, drop to his knees in disappointment less often, have at least 4,000 passing yards, and throw no more than 5 interceptions. Please.

Another Ring would be nice, too. Then retirement. Then babies with Sooze.

Donald Driver, pretty much the only reliable receiver on the team will have a nice, round 100-reception, 10-touch down season. That's not asking too much, and if it is, he needs to be slapped on the ass. Since the Pack has virtually no running game, Driver needs to produce, if not only to make Favre seem younger than pushing-40.

Don't forget about that promising second-year pro Greg Jennings, whose ankle is just fine for the second WR spot. The battle for the third receiving job will come down to third-down draft pick James Jones and holdovers like Ruvell Martin and Carlyle Holiday. That's kind of like choosing between getting shot in the knee, elbow or face. Not fun!

No more Robert Ferguson, though. (fist-pump) He has been working out for the Vikes, since they like to recycle Green Bay's garbage.

Donald Lee has the tightest end between he and slow-as-molasses Bubba Franks, holdover Zac Alcorn and seventh-rounder Clark Harris. I've always liked that name, Clark... Clark W. Griswold was pretty great. Clark Kent. Lewis and Clark.

What is this offensive line you speak of?

The Defensive Line, on the other hand, is ruled by Aaron Kampman, who was a first-time Pro-Bowler last year. Way to go, buddy! In other defensive news, Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila (or KGB for all you white folks out there) promises to not suck this season. Holding down the right end will be Cullen Jenkins, who has a talent for stopping the running game, but gets all confused when they start passing. Tennessee tackle Justin Harrell, Ryan Pickett and maybe even Corey Williams will serve as interior walls.

A.J. Hawk will continue to run the weak side as fellow linebacker Nick Barnett will try not to miss tackles up the middle and maybe even pick a few off. Brady Poppinga will just do what he does (60 tackles, 1 sack, 1 INT) and play mediocre defense for probably the rest of his career. Then there's... no depth beyond the starters. Sweet.

The Packers secondary must rely once again on its veteran corners. Former Heisman winner and fancy kick-returner Charles Woodson will return along with Al Harris, who is to spend the entire pre-season wearing boxing gloves to lower the amount of holding calls against him. Those five-yard penalties add up after a while, man.

As far as I know, Special Teams are not supposed to resemble the Special Olympics. Since the sixth-round pick was used on a freakin' kicker and Dave Rayner sucks at kicking footballs through goal posts, let's make the best of it and have Mason Crosby start immediately rather than when it's too late.

In closing, if you haven't figured out why Packer fans drink so much, you might have the opportunity to learn why this season. In a sad reality, I'll be thrilled with a 9-7 season, which should be just enough to make it to the playoffs in the fabulous NFC North.

Thanks, that was incredibly depressing.

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