"No Contest, Mr. Pizza Delivery Man... Man?"

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

I guess New Mexico State University has either run out of scholarships or their athletes don't have enough money to pay for the normal necessities in life. Say like... oh... pizza!:

Senior forward Tyrone Nelson was dismissed from the New Mexico State basketball team Tuesday after he pleaded no contest to charges stemming from an August 2006 robbery of a pizza delivery man.

Nelson, 21, was set to be tried this week on charges of robbery, conspiracy to commit robbery and bribery. Nelson was arrested days after a Domino's Pizza delivery man was struck on the side of the head and robbed of a pizza and hot wings on Aug. 22, 2006, at an apartment complex near campus.

Note to University President: PLEASE FEED YOUR ATHLETES. They're very hungry. So hungry they don't even bother with wallets or money or valuables. They're just after pizza and hot wings. I hope this dude was loaded, because quite frankly, a pizza delivery man is the last guy on my list of dudes to mug to get cash (unless of course, that pizza delivery man was Loverboy).

Perhaps Nelson was bored? Where else does one come up with an idea to rob one of the poorest people to walk the Earth. The only thing pizza delivery men have to their name is a car and a driver's license. What was the most he was going to get out of him? $42? Don't blow that all in one place junior.

I'd like to suggest a few other options Mr. Nelson could've gone for (that would've been worth it)

Ice Cream Man
Sure Ice Cream costs a dollar per bar, but don't be fooled. These Ice Cream Men always have a large wad of dead presidents at all times (so they can buy cocaine at the end of the day). Most of the time, these guys are just buried at the bottom of bottles, trying to find a significant meaning towards their life.

UPS Man
What can Brown do for you? More like what does Brown not have in the back of the truck? And if it's a lady, remember that she's got ALOT to fit into that trunk... Have you heard what some of these guys are carrying half of the time? They have to deliver suitcases full of money all the time. And nuclear bombs, and sometimes dead hookers. Dead hookers are the future of US currency. I read it on the internet once, it had to have been true.

And Finally...

Jehovah's Witness
Okay, I'm going to be quite honest with you, I'm not exactly sure if these guys are loaded most of the time. Plus, they don't travel with a bunch of pizza boxes and hot wings, so Mr. Nelson would already be behind the eight ball here. Everytime they knock on my door trying to conform me to their religion by a 5-10 minute speech, I kinda wish they would get mugged/robbed. Damn it, don't you cunt jesters ever get tired of that stuff? You know, it took me almost 20 years to understand the faith I have today. I don't think a small speech from an assclown at my door is going to make me drop on my knees and convert.

Unless she's got some massive cans. Then she can tell me anything and I'll just shake my head and nod.