The Noblest Of Causes

by OMDQ, One More Dying Quail

(Kudos to the fantastic Plunk Biggio for inspiring this craptastic stream of consciousness)

Friends, fellow Carnies, random readers - for days, there has been much gnashing of the teeth and rending of the garments over Barry Bonds and what many consider to be his illegal snatching of the cherished homerun record from the 73-year-old arms of he esteemed Henry Louis Aaron.

Right or wrong, like it or not, Bonds has the record, and will continue to hold it close to his massive man-chest until the day comes when Alex Rodriguez, Albert Pujols or some other Good Samaritan arrives to rip it away and hold it aloft as he mounts his white horse and delivers it back to those from which it was stolen.

Until then, friend, fellow carnies, and random readers, there is a far more noble cause behind which we all ought throw our love and support. As you probably know, Houston Astros stalwart Craig Biggio, he of the tiny body and huge batting helmet, is planning to retire at the end of this season. He will do so with the knowledge that he did the best he could while he was stuck in that place. Had as much fun as he could while he was stuck in that place. Played as hard as he could while he was stuck in that place. Dogged as many girls as he could while he was stuck in that place.

But what you may not realize is that Craig Biggio is on the verge of history the likes of which Barry Bonds can only dream about. Forget homeruns. Forget walks. Forget runs scored. With dusk falling on a two decade career, the ultimate team player finds himself chasing the ultimate team mark: most times hit by a pitched ball in a major league career.

Think about it: what could possibly be more noble, more awe-inspiring, more useful to the team than allowing yourself to be hit by a sphere that is travelling upwards of 90 miles per hour? What act can possibly compare? A sacrifice? A nice thought, but it results in an out. A base on balls? Same result, minus the pain. No, nothing compares to being hit by a pitch. This is why Craig Biggio is hunting this record the way Ahab hunted the great white whale, the way Quint hunted Jaws, the way Dick Cheney hunted Harry Whittington. He is stalking it quietly, content to hang back in the shadows until the time is right and he is able to pounce and make it his (!) and his alone.

But alas, Biggio cannot do it alone. He must rely on the kindness of others to help him along his way, and much like pitchers who refused to give Barry Bonds good pitches en route to homerun number 756, he is being toyed with by gods who deal thunderbolts from up on high and decline - nay, refuse - to come inside just a bit, to throw that breaking ball that doesn't break, but instead hangs on the inside corner, waiting breathlessly for an arm or a leg to pop out of nowhere and stop it's path.

Craig Biggio needs our help, friends, Carnies, and random readers. He needs us to raise our voices and speak out against the outrage that is being perpetrated against his, the noblest quest in all of sports. Raise our voices and speak out against pitchers who give him far too many good pitches to hit - make them come inside early and often. Raise our voices against the Houston Astros, who refuse to play him every day - stop the conspiracy and allow him to finish his career high atop the mountain, even if it costs the team success in the short run. Raise our voices against the media, which refuses to afford this record chase the same prestige as the one conducted by Bonds just days ago - televise Astros games, ESPN. Do live cut-ins to Biggio's at-bats. Allow it to dominate 85% of your daily programming until the record is broken!

One voice has been raised thus far, a lone voice in the wilderness of sadness and fear. Plunk Biggio is a beacon of warmth in an otherwise cold land, a stern ombudsman-like presence that refuses to yield hope until all avenues have been exhausted, until all games have been played. Some people say they are doing the Lord's work, yet they do nothing. The good men and women of Plunk Biggio perpetuate no such falsehoods.

Three more, friends. Three more times that Craig Biggio must stand in front of a speeding baseball and allow it to bounce off his body in exchange for a free base. Three more times he must do this in order for his legend to be complete. Raise your voices, and assure that it happens.