Our Favorite 10 Pre-Season Football Announcer Lines

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool

Have to watch football if it's on, even if the game is meaningless? You're not alone, Desperate Fantasy Dork. And if you've endured one game, you've endured these words...

10. "For the guys on the field right now, this is their Super Bowl." Try Pro Bowl. Or Not A Pro Bowl.

9. "Players like Veteran Guy can turn it on or off in a preseason game." If he's on a field taking contact, he's got to be on, especially if he's facing the future longshoremen who are hoping to thug their way into a job. Turning it off generally happens when, with a great sense of relief, he goes to the bench for good in the second quarter...

8. "Player X really impressed the coaches in the workout room." He looks good in shorts? He's got warm hands and soft lips? His diction is impeccable? On second thought, spare us the details...

7. "Coach X treats this fourth quarter like it's a playoff game." If so, Coach X is a retard, but this is clearly a lie. After all, Marty Schottenheimer didn't become who he is by gagging preseason games.

6. "Quarterback X and the first unit struggled to find their rhythm." Guys, we know that you all secretly wanted to be in the band back in high school and college... but let's not make it so obvious. It's Not Music.

5. "This battle for Obscure Job is one of the hottest in camp." I don't know about you, but 30 years from now, when I sit my grandkids on my lap and talk to them about how football was back in my day, I'm definitely playing the Training Camp Battles card. Then, I'm probably losing control of my bowels. That will teach them not to expect much in the will.

4. "Third String Punter is really auditioning for the other teams in the league here." Because the other 31 NFL teams are really convinced they are going to find the second coming of Ray Guy off the Titans' practice squad.

Maybe he's auditioning for Aussie Rules Football here, or the CFL, or Grasping at Straws Sales Guy at the place that rotates my tires. Let's not limit the real possibilities here.

3. "The conditions in Camp were brutal." Memo to the announcing world: it's hot in the summer, and football is played outdoors. We get it. We also get that late in the season, it will get cold in many outdoor places. Thank you for making this clear. (Along with football not being music, it is also Not War. Moving on.)

2. "The cuts to 60 were among the hardest that Coach X and his staff has ever had to make." Yes, we can see how they'd be dramatically different in color and tone than the same job that they did every year before, and much worse than when he was back in high school and college, and the players were younger and had less perspective.

Let's just call this for what it is, shall we? Football coaches get to play God for a small number of people. If they didn't like that, they wouldn't get into the gig. Just once, I'd like to hear, "Coach X is really looking forward to this round of cuts, because let's face it, a lot of these guys are just wasting his time." (This small bit of honesty, by the way, is a big reason why Buddy Ryan holds a place in the hearts of Eagle Fan to this day, independent of the abysmal playoff record.)

1. "It's really important to Coach X and the rest of the team that they have a good showing in tonight's game." No, it's not. It's important that the star players don't get hurt. Oh, and that the season-ticket holders get nailed for additional games in their packages.

Take packages two ways, and add your own in the comments. Remember, this is your audition for other sports blogs...