The Pseudo-Celebrity Super Bowl

by Stan, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

According to a few published reports and leaks around the good internet, the ever gorgeous Gisele Bundchen could join the cast of the up-coming season of Dancing with the Stars. And for those who are all too unfamiliar with this show, let me explain...it's the Super Bowl for anybody on the fringe of celebrity (a.k.a - the D-List). Let the record show that we aren't quite satisfied with Gisele making the cut for a few reasons.

1) She has a large Adams apple, which no doubt is the cause of her man voice.

2) She is about as stiff as a robot and really can't get by on her looks in this competition.

3) Off topic, but overall we are just really jealous of the fact that Tom Brady is banging her.

Moving on, in fact it's not just Gisele that we find fault with, it's just about everyone on the list. So, that's why today we decided to fire back with a counter list in hopes that some executive, desperate fan or producer in limbo will see our plea and reasoning, thus replacing those who don't warrant the right to be on such an esteemed program.

First, let's take a look at the assortment on the list, before we hammer out potential replacements. Currently, the names include, but are not official: Aaron Carter, Wayne Newton, Mark Cuban, Jane Seymour, Scary Spice, Tori Spelling, Jennie Garth, Floyd Mayweather, Richard Quest, Sabrina Bryan, Helio Castroneves, Lou Ferrigno and Nia Peeples. Yes, we too struggled to determine who some of these people are.

Anyhow, here are some healthy alternatives that could no doubt make this show a bit more tolerable.

Dan Patrick - Yes, perfect. He's got the free time and he always thought he was just a little more clever and witty than he really is.

Sammy Sosa - You need to have the sort of stupid, unintentionally funny ex-jock that is good for a few entertaining salsa's...right? Oh, he's not retired yet?

Johnny Drama - Nothing spells D-List like the bastard brother of Vinny Chase.

Somebody else from 90210? - Look, we really don't need Kelly and Donna battling it out, what happened to Zuckerman? Sanders has already had his moment, Walsh and McKay are both boring. David Silver...too obvious. I vote for the chick who drugged Brandon and eventually stalked him, Emily Valentine. The other option is the nerdy friend of David Silver's who shot himself...yeah, I watched too much TV growing up.

Sporty Spice - Of all the Spice Girls we've seen the least of her. Scary Spice? Come on, nobody cares enough. We can always look past the fact that Sporty might have a cock...she'd bring ratings.

Rebecca "Roger" Lobo - Who wouldn't like to see an abnormally large woman with man hands slow dance with a 5'2" Latino Ballroom dancer?

Bill Walton - I'm throwing my bias into the party, but I've seen the "Big Man" get down to Phish (live at a show) as well as at a local Dead Cover band in San Diego. His knees may not move so well, but he can still share in a groove.

Lance Bass - F*&$ Aaron Carter, he looks like a basehead. Joey was a contestant last season...it's only fair that Lance gets a shot. And besides they could pair him with a male. Controversial television at it's finest.

Shaq - And he'd have to be paired with a midget. Maybe, we ought to scratch him from the roster. Upon 2nd thought he's still a pretty prominent celeb and would no doubt rake in the popular vote.

Danica Patrick - She's still sexy and has about 7 or 8 minutes left on the 15 minutes of fame clock.

Erin Andrews - Duh, was this not the obvious choice?

Lisa Turtle and Screech - Mario Lopez had a deep run to the title before he got cheated ousted in the Championship round due to bullshit Emmitt Smith and the popular vote. Let Lisa and Screech have a shot.

Billy Baldwin - Fresh out of re-hab and ready to put the Baldwin name back to good use.

Peyton Manning - He is totally down, but it has to be after the season. He already watches film of past episodes and would pounce on his competitors mistakes.

Pedro Gomez - Why not?

Michael Vick - He'd have to dance in chains and shackles, with a dog of course.

Jean Claude Van Damme - Dude can dance.

Macho Man Randy Savage - I'd actually pay to see that.

Anna Nicole Smith - OK, I'm going to hell.

And that's all I got ... for now. As always, please feel free to add to the list in the comments section below. That's your forum, my forum ... OUR forum. Share your additions or beefs.