by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool
Let's face it, folks -- the secret has gone out in fantasy football land. As Yogi Berra once said, it's so popular that no one goes there anymore, and like most of the NFL, it's a complete crapshoot as to who will win and who will lose.
So how do you stack the deck in your favor? By sabotaging the drafts of your fellow owners. Here's the top 10 techniques you can use to count cards, tilt the machine and steal money. There's a reason they call it a vice. Besides, all of these tactics are less work than draft preparation.
10. Covert spillage. This is where you ruin the notes of an opponent, preferably from distance, so that the printing becomes more or less indistinguishable. The Super Soaker is a bit much, but a little zip water gun, or a few extra ice cubes in a drink, leading to a condensation-soaked napkin, that can then bleed onto their draft preparation? Now you're thinking.
9. Butt Smoke. This is where you overhype a legitimate sleeper to the point where he's genuinely overrated. This is especially great because it upsets several owners who wanted the guy, and now will draft him a half dozen rounds early.
8. Partisan Panty Raid. Especially effective when fans of two rival teams are in the draft. Here, you draft a player and then impugn the abilities of his opposite number on the opposing team. ("We're taking Tony Romo. He's miles better than She-Lie Manning!") If you're lucky, they will then take the pick out of spite.
This was performed to perfection in a draft I was in last week, when 800-year-old WR Amani Toomer went off the board to outraged Giants fans, one pick after the Cowboys' Patrick Crayton was picked, to a team that didn't need a WR. Remember, every reach pick makes your team better, even if it just makes for a deeper Free Agent pool after the draft ends.
7. Home Field Advantage / Road Rules. Got a room of laptop users? Seal up the outlets, and then stall the draft with a pizza order, so that your opponent spends their time looking at the battery life left. If you've got a laptop yourself, make sure your wireless router is password protected with a hopelessly long security key, so that no one else can log in. It's called home field advantage for a reason. Use it.
Oh, and if you're on the road? Slob it up, especially if the guy is a neat freak. He'll draft great when he's worried about his furniture. Call in insane delivery orders. Arrange for telemarketing calls during his picks. And if you're really playing to win, don't drink anything, then crush the toilet. If his house is a 4-alarm disaster, how good can his team be?
6. Draft Position Propaganda. You've got the third pick overall? Dear me, you must be ready to huff an exhaust pipe. Don't you know that drafting Larry Johnson this year is tantamount to lighting your wallet on fire, and picking anyone else in the third position is just plain insane? Quickly, trade the pick, for the love of all that's holy...
Look, unless you are in a Special Bus Leagues, it won't be won in the first round. If you are drafting third, take LJ and get on with your life. It's probably fine. Really. He's fresh after blowing off training camp, and the line injuries and bad schedule are way overrated. I'm in no way trying to influence you on this. Really. Honest.
5. Paranoia, Big Destroya. If you don't have the third pick in the draft, make sure to spend some time chatting up the owner with that position to take Larry Johnson. He's the most obvious Draft Day Bust in fantasy league history. Get him gone before you're tempted to take him. I'm in no way trying to influence you on this. Really. Honest.
4. False Leads. Travis Henry's knee injury in Denver? It's astoundingly bad. He might never walk again, and according to the beat writer from the Denver Bulletin, he may have to be put down. (And no, the Denver Bulletin isn't real. OR IS IT?)
3. False Picks. Is the player you want a half dozen picks away, with next to no chance of getting to you? Just say his name around the draft tables of the owners before the actual pick is announced. With luck, you'll muddy the waters enough into making someone think that your target is already off the board.
2. Bye Bye Baby. Around the third round, after the obvious picks are off the board, start talking up the importance of bye weeks. Everyone hates these, and many people forget about them. So you'll seem like you are doing a solid, when in reality... you're adding a level of complexity to the thought process of people who are probably scrambling for decisions as is. When your guy slips to you because someone bones a decision for the sake of bye week harmony... that's money.
1. Playoffs? What playoffs? Real fantasy winners know that it's not enough to pick the right player in the right round, get lucky on a few sleepers, pay attention during the regular season for matchups and make a few key free agent pickups or trades. No, you also have to know where the right matchups will be in the critical weeks 14 through 16, when most leagues have their playoffs, in the preseason, because the NFL is so very predictable on good and bad teams from year to year. Make sure to assess every pick under this criteria, to the point where people are openly boning their picks to load up on guys who play the weak teams late in the year... for a playoff season that they'll never qualify for.
Feel free to post any I missed in the comments. And that's SABOTAGE!
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