So...Why DOES Phil Want to Play in Asia?

by dswinder, Sons of Sam Malone

The news of Phil Mickelson's plans to play in two Asian Tour events this November broke last Friday, August 10th, and have since been under question as to what caused ol' lefty to commit to these events. Phil has never played well overseas, and it doesn't make much sense to play in Singapore or China in November when he could be at home practicing and resting up for the 2008 PGA season...While it may not seem like a practical idea, I think that I've come up with ten good reasons as to why the hefty lefty would want to play overseas in the middle of his offseason...

10. He saw a poster for The Replacement Killers once, and thinks he may be able to relate to Chow Yun-Fat...Hefty Lefty...Chow Yun-Fat...A match made in heaven...

9. Everyone knows about Asian porn, and Phil's no different...He likes the idea of a pixelated crotch...It turns him on...Who are we to judge?

8. Along those same lines, Phil hasn't won in awhile...He just might be hurting for cash-a-money...And you know...Sucky sucky is only fi dolla...

7. Maybe he can finally win a tournament again...The lesser competition of the smaller tour should help him to rise above the competition and finally beat the demons he calls his "sore wrist"...

6. Ever since Kobayashi first burst onto the American competitive eating scene, Phil has been enthralled...You see, Phil himself is a connoisseur of sorts when it comes to eating...Lefty immediately took a liking to Takeru's work ethic and muscular arms...It eventually developed into somewhat of a man crush...

5. Three words: Bangkok. Body. Massage. This reasoning is right in line with numbers 8 and 9...

4. He wasn't really listening in school, and he really wants to see if it's true you can see space from the Great Wall of China...Bare with him on this one...

3. He's been really down on himself as of late...You see, he thinks his tits are too small, and he's been considering silicone, but is afraid to go under the knife...This way he can get a quick confidence boost sans surgery...

2. Phil has never been a huge fan of democracy...Give him communism and wonton, and you'll have him smiling all day...

1. He's jealous of Tiger's zen-like concentration...It's not Phil's fault his mother isn't Asian...He thinks that maybe if he spends some time there it might help him out...a little...? After all, Phil does have the Buddha belly down to a tee...

Ok...I'm ready...Let the hate mail begin...