Ten Things That Will Happen in College Football...

by, The Grand National Championships

I love college football. It's the place where transcendently bad announcers go to die praising the next wave of excellent talent. And living in a state where the college football team's been good for 15 years now only adds to the joy. However... The college football magazines come out in May, and they don't know what's going to happen.

I do. And I will give you ten guarantees for this next season. 5 serious. 5 not so much.

1) I know there are others in this confederation whom believe that Kentucky's going to be bigger than Toby Keith this season. But I'm going to do one better. Come next April, Kentucky is going to have its second quarterback be a #1 Pick in the NFL Draft in the last 10 years. And Andre Woodson will do a whole lot better than Tim Couch as a pro.

2) A moderately popular blogger will attempt to start a "Lee's a furry" chant, when ESPN Gameday comes near his hometown. It will be hilarious. But unfortunately, no one will listen to his genius.

3) Again, commentators will rain down hosannas upon the SEC. It will be the single toughest confederation of all time, beating out the original Avengers, the 1986-1989 Big 8, and the 1927 Yankees. I will say that Oklahoma State was merely decent back then, and they had Barry Sanders and Thurman Thomas. They will say I do not know football. Also, something about a War Eagle.

4) My dartboard pick to win the Heisman? Colt McCoy. It will be on name alone. The media? They're kind of stupid.

5) My pick for BCS Screwjob? My Wisconsin Badgers. They have engaged in Jim Tressel ownership, and they get Michigan in November. It's a winning combination to run the table. However, the computers will say "Dude, the hell you doing playing The Citadel?" Well, a certain national champion got fat eating the entrails of the Western Carolina Catamounts last year. They got in. Oooh, it's an SEC Team, all must tremble!

6) Yahoo! Sports will break the story of Reggie Bush and his blood sacrifice of two USC Song Girls before the 2006 Rose Bowl. You think I'm kidding? I will tell you that I am not. Reggie Bush is a man exuding pure evil. And Yahoo Sports is brave and bold to say that which no one else will.

7) Les Miles, in a fit of pique after a hotly contested LSU-Alabama game, will go Floyd Mayweather upside the head of Nick Saban. This puts some salve on a disappointing 9-4 season. But Les Miles will escape to Ann Arbor to replace Lloyd Carr at the end of the season. LSU just can't win.

8) Nebraska will beat USC. But the real story will occur after the game. Snoop Dogg gets arrested. Accusations will fly. Controversy ensues. At least until Carlos Mencia has his take. Again, proof positive that Carlos Mencia's trying to tear this nation apart with his stolen comedy.

9) West Virginia will disappoint. They always fall short of the national championship expectations. And with Pat White and Steve Slaton? The Big East is theirs for the taking. But like Major Harris before him, Pat White falls off the cliff. Doom for Morgantown.

10) The National Championship Game? Texas vs. Virginia Tech. The winner? Fans of horrific gun tragedies. Or Texas.

But God love the correspondent who's doing the field piece. Depressing a nation takes some skill.