There is No Reason to Panic in Boston

by Stan, Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

A lot of people are expecting the Red Sox to simply wilt away under the pressure being applied by the New York Yankees. The Yankees are coming…the Yankees are coming! Like anyone in New England really needs forewarning that the Yankees are coming? I mean seriously, did it work for the British? Thanks for the advance warning that the “Red Coats” were coming and hey, thanks for the country while we’re at it, Britain.

Moving on, have aura and mystique returned to the Bronx? Has panic arrived in New England? Well, I wouldn’t really know the answer to those questions, because I am neither here, nor there. I’ve got no rooting interest in the Yankees or the Red Sox. And I’d just as soon keep it that way. However, what I can interject is a collective series of logic or reasons why the Red Sox won’t gag like it’s 1978 all over again. Phew, take a deep breath New England and Red Sox Nation…it’s going to be all right. And take it from a complete outsider; here is why you are going to survive this Yankees onslaught.

The Devil Rays
The Yankees spent the month of July beating up on the Devil Rays. Well, now it’s the Red Sox turn to do just that. The Red Sox are 7-2 this season against the D-Rays and have (9) more games left against them. Meanwhile, the Yankees rest at 7-5 versus the D-Rays, but only have (6) games left with them on the schedule. Advantage Boston.

Karma is a Bitch
It’s pretty fair knowledge that Curt Schilling used fake blood on his sock during the ALCS in 2004, but it was all for a good cause. It brought name recognition to himself (of course) and promoted “his” cause against ALS. On the flipside, Jason Giambi took steroids and vaguely avoided ever apologizing for it. Chalk up the “good karma” police scoring of (+1) for the Red Sox. The truth will set you free big fella, just fess up Jason.

The Curse of A-Rod
Once again, A-Rod is no doubt going to be the reason this Yankee team falters, as he continues to put himself above the team. This season alone has been one big promotional tour for him, soaking up all the New York tabloids and headlines, only hitting homeruns when it’s “convenient” for him. His stat whore quest has taken on such a selfish level that he refused to hit a homerun during a Yankee game a few weeks ago, while the rest of the team was knocking ‘em out of the park left and right. And can you believe this ego maniac had the nerve to celebrate his 500th homerun? Um, excuse me, but just how many of those homeruns has he hit for the Yankees?

Chemistry
The Yankees have chemistry issues with not only A-Rod, but also Johnny Damon who can’t quite understand his diminished role, as he is no longer considered the everyday centerfielder. He fails to realize that he has the arm of a pre-pubescent school girl. At least J.D Drew is fully aware that he is stealing money from the Red Sox and doesn’t complain when he gets benched due to overall sucking.

Pitching
The Red Sox pitching is younger, deeper, more talented and just better; top to bottom. And it’s going to get even better once Matt Clement returns to add some depth to an already dominant bullpen. I mean we are talking about Matt Clement here…Yankees your counter move?

Roger Clemens
At some point he will be summonsed back to hell. Satan can no longer roll without his wingman. This comeback shit every year wasn’t part of the agreement they made in that contract for Roger’s soul.

Herpes is Rampant in the Yankees locker room
As our friend Sarah from “Strike Zones and End Zones” points out, “Derek Jeter apparently has herpes and if he has it, then A-Rod has it.” This very well could lead to a widespread breakout in the Yankee clubhouse. However, most likely to NOT be affected by the disease is Jason Giambi. His pristine hygiene and overall avoidance of showers in general should allow him to not come into contact with the virus.

Eric. Gagne. Steroids.
Remember those three words, because due to recent woes, Gagne’s agent has insisted he step it back up on the juice cycles. The Red Sox will have the last laugh in this deadline sweepstakes when they get more than they ever could've imagined in the form of Gagne the re-birth…circa 2003. Can you say “GAME OVER?”

Japanese Tourists
These people are depending on Dice-K to make their trip overseas all the worthwhile. They do NOT want to ever admit or believe that Dice-K could very well be the most over-hyped and over-priced acquisition in baseball. Thank the lord for Hideki Okajima.

Walter Kowalczyk
Remember the guy who caught A-Rod’s 500th? Well, if A-Rod and/or the Yankees Brass don’t meet his demands then he plans on holding the Yankee clubhouse hostage (I kid, I kid).

There is NO Bucky Dent
Seriously, you won’t find him on the Yankees roster. And the Yankees really have nobody comparable. They have ZERO grinders, just a collection of overpaid products that the Boss felt inclined to purchase. That’s a huge void; grinder advantage goes to Boston, again.

Ebb and Flow
Lastly, what goes up must come down. The Yankees are due for cooling off and the Sox are due to heat up. It’s the natural course of baseball, streaks and slumps. Momentum should be stationing itself in Beantown anyday now.

And if you factor in that the Red Sox are due for a power surge from Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, Schilling is just getting healthy, Lugo is finally hitting and a majority of the remaining schedule is at home…you’ve gotta like those chances. And we haven't even determined if Steinbrenner is still alive, if Cashman can go out in the sun, etc. Relax; the Yankees aren’t going to ruin the parade this year. Can we please just bury the angst now?