Things in Sports That Bug Me

by Lozo, Why Don't We Get Drunk And Blog?

Big East, Big Ten, Big 12, Big South and Big Sky. What lazy individual (has to be a man) thought of these names? "Hey, our schools are located in the East, right? And all of these kids are going to be bigger than average, right? I know! The Big East!"

Why not Awesome East? Or Rockin' East? Or Motherfuckin' Sweet Ass East. "Louisville is moving to the MFSAE next season..." Big is likely the laziest and least descriptive adjective on the planet, and it describes three of the biggest conferences out there. And where does Big Sky come from? "Boy, all of our schools play under a pretty sky, huh? And it sure is big, too. I got it!..."

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Why does every baseball color analyst know exactly what the pitching coach is saying to the pitcher during a visit to the mound? It's never speculative. It's always fact. "He's calming him down, trying to make him aware of his arm slot and telling him to throw strikes."

How do you know? Maybe he's telling him he's not bending his back, or his front foot is landing in the wrong place. Or maybe he's out there describing how Turtle backed out of banging a girl in a chipmunk costume on last week's episode of Entourage.

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Why does a quarterback have to stand directly next to the referee and watch the play clock tick down to 1 before calling a timeout? Why can't he say to the ref, "When the play clock hits 1, we would like a timeout," then walk away? Why the added drama? It's not like he's defusing a bomb and is trying to get it done before the clock hits 0. He's not Jack Bauer.

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Why is instant replay in tennis accepted? Players realize when the chair umpire watches a replay, it's not of the actual shot in question, but a computer-generated re-enactment of the play in question, right? Can you imagine if NFL referees watched video replays of Madden 2008 to decide if a player got his second foot down in the back of the end zone?

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Why does Steve Phillips have a job at ESPN breaking down deals on trade deadline day? Was there ever a worse judge of talent and dealmaker than Phillips? What's next? Are we going to hire Isiah Thomas to speak at seminars to give tips on how to run a business? Are we going to let Kirstie Alley get all fat and then be a spokesperson for a weight-loss product? Oh, those things happen? Oh. Never mind then.

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Why in baseball does everyone say when the count is 1-1 or 2-2, that the count is even? It's not even. The pitcher needs one more strike to get the batter out, and the batter needs two balls to reach base. It's not even. The pitcher is winning at that point in the at-bat. In reality, the only time the count is "even" is when it's 1-0, 2-1 or 3-2. Call me crazy, but I'm one of those people who likes it when we use the actual meaning words have.