USA Soccer... Very Awful

by Sterling Gould, More Credible

I remember 2006. The United States fielded a soccer team that was semi-competitive, even if they never advanced from the group stages in the World Cup. America knew they were one more World Cup away from being a serious contender, we accepted our defeat. Or well more like, some of us accepted our defeat, mostly everyone didn't bother to turn on the television.

Everything was so innocent and meaningful back then. Our hopes were high, only to have them crash like your desktop computer on porn overload. But now, our hopes are just... low, and they'll drop to abysmal records as the United States is finding a hard time competing in International Play. A 1-0 loss to Sweden strengthens my argument:

Kim Kallstrom scored in the 56th minute to lead Sweden over the United States 1-0 in an exhibition game on Wednesday night and send the Americans to their first four-game losing streak in a decade.

"These games can't just be about good experiences. When we come to Europe, we come to win," U.S. midfielder DaMarcus Beasley said.

With most of its top players in the starting lineup, the U.S. team failed to create many offensive opportunities. Since starting the year 10-0-1 -- all at home -- under new coach Bob Bradley, the U.S. team has lost four straight, all on the road

I don't know if the "all on the road" is supposed to be some sort of solace for the fans, but it isn't. For one, it's not like the United States creates a "home field atmosphere" when they play in the States anyways. When they do play on the road, we are seen as the "World's Bully" because of our political agenda (which I won't get into) so everyone plays their best game against the United States, despite how untalented we actually are. Think about this, when our athletes decide on which sport they want to take... what's their first choice (based on a large following, money, and hype)?

Football...

After that?

Basketball...

And after that?

Baseball...

You'd take a while before you got to futbol... err... soccer.

Now say those same first-class athletes are growing up anywhere else in the world (save the Caribbeans, which would probably pick baseball first).

Soccer, soccer, soccer.

We're playing each countries best A-class athletes, as we're sending perhaps our D-Team athletes, at best.

How else would you explain a loss to Sweden? I didn't even know they competed in any competitive sport, outside of drinking and "Which couple can give birth to the Hottest Ladies" (An old Swedish Pastime). I don't know, perhaps our soccer team needs a little motivation? Maybe a night with those Swedish sh'ladies via Brazilian team rules.

Can you believe those Samba Stoners? Not only are they the best at the World's Favorite game but the coach knows what drives his team to better and better things. And that's shaking the bad foot baby. So what do you do if your team strives to be blind?

Let 'em practice that horizontal tango, that's what.

I don't know if Team USA has been put on that "Sex-Ban" for traveling but if they are, it's time to let them go. Landon Donovan looks like he needs some... bad.